Emotional stuffing

I spent my whole life being "too much". I would say too much and people would know my whole life story within five minutes of knowing me (whether they wanted to or not). After hearing the words "too much" way too often, I decided to change. I have also never been a happy medium girl. I am always one extreme or the other. Super dark hair, or bleach blonde hair. Playing every sport, or not playing any. I went the other way. I changed without even knowing it, and only because I was told that sharing was wrong. No boy would ever like me if I wasn't mysterious. Boys like the chase, they don't want to know everything about you right away. I guess it's true. But it took a good six or more years for me to realize that the other extreme isn't right either. I thought that if I wasn't sharing every thought I had every moment I had it, I was okay. It turned out to be me not being authentic, keeping all of my secrets inside, and holding onto baggage that I was never supposed to carry alone.

It wasn't until the beginning months of 2011 that I sat down for the first time with a counselor who looked me straight in the face and said, "You are an emotional stuffer. That is not healthy. At all. Did you know that?" The answer was no. I didn't have any knowledge of it and I have struggled since then to be able to feel. I am thankfully able to be authentic with the girls around me on my life struggles. Things that are overall huge pains and bondage that I am dealing with. And that is good. I don't undermine the growth that I've experienced by just being able to do that, but it's the day to day emotions that I forget. I am so numb to feeling that I don't even think about the fact that I don't think about how I feel. Then one day the simpliest thing can upset me, and it feels like every burden I've carried for months is weighing me down because I didn't deal with it at the time it started. I constantly feel like Cameron Diaz in the movie The Holiday because I cannot cry. Ever. And if I do, it's never for anything important. It's over something so miniscule that I would laugh at myself the next day for even making such a scene. I want to feel again. I want to be able to cry when someone makes me upset. I want to be okay with not being okay.

Do you ever have an epiphany? Yeah, me neither. But today I did. I've always been intrigued by that saying that goes (something) like this- "day to day not much changes, but when you look back, everything's different". It's true. I've been thinking about this lately. Especially when it comes to New Years. I know that's not for a few months, but I've been awaiting it. I feel like every New Years, I can honestly never recall memories from that year. I always end up uttering something like, "Well, I guess it was a good year...?" I never know. Maybe now that I'm getting older, I'm more perceptive or my memory is getting better, but I'm starting to recall those memories from year to year. Mostly these past few years. Every day I realize something that was completely different about me a year ago. 180. Confrontation? Sucked at it. Now? I should probably be a little less harsh with things I'm willing to say. I'm trying to take these changes and find their root. What changed? Who taught me those things? Why? So many questions.

Things I used to be good at: sharing my feelings. I have always been an open book. Really. I think one of the qualities that goes along with being loud is being open. Very open. I would probably tell you my whole life story in the first five minutes of meeting you. And now... One of my closest friends told me just tonight that she is constantly wondering what I'm feeling. She says she never knows cause I never talk about my feelings. And now I'm wondering why. Not that I think either extreme is right. I believe there are happy mediums to most things in life and feelings/emotions fall into that category. What is the root? Why am I so closed off? Why has it changed in the past few years? How can I figure it out?

Even as my friend confronted me about my lack-o'-feelins, I laughed it off and made a joke of it. Am I turning into a boy? Sometimes I wonder. I don't cry. I hate when others cry around me. I don't talk about my feelings. Where has that little girl gone? Sounds silly, but I'm worried. Especially when people start to say things like, "Wow, Bianca. I just can't figure you out." What? Really? In awe, I tell ya. Guess I have some figuring out to do. Gonna get to the root of this eventually.

Other things I've noticed: I really like to use commas.
Also: I wish I was a great writer. It's just easier to bust my sentences out like they come to my head, which sometimes is very scattered. No need to make it sound fancy or anything, just the straight truth.

Xoxo,
B

Dirty Hippies

Things are a changin'. I'm learning every day about things that God is tweeking in my life. He is constantly changing me, not into a new person, but into a better... me. I am becoming a new creation and I'm finally opening up to it. I have been reading more than I ever have in my life. And actually finishing the books that I start. It's a great feeling, you know? Accomplishing even that simple act of reading words on a page until they are no more. I've learned a lot from these books. From sex, dating, religion, and food. It's caused me to really question certain decisions I make and things I allow into my life. For instance, if I ever meet another girl who has food issues like I do, I can recommend her my new favorite book. Made to Crave: Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food. Can you believe there is even a book on this? Food issues are important. If the very downfall of humanity was caused by Eve being tempted to eat something she wasn't supposed to eat, then yes, it's important to God. That, coupled with the book Skinny Bitch has caused me to really think about how I view food. Do I rely on food more than I rely on God? It sounds like such a silly question, but when you get to the heart of the matter, most of our overweight, physical issues all go back to spiritual problems that have been there for too long. We never realized it. Or at least I never did.

Because of these books, I have now become a vegetarian and stopped washing my hair. Or maybe that's because I live in hippie town (Denton). I am trying not to become a dirty Dentonite... but it's hard. Everyone here is so raw. And original. And fully themselves. It's breathtaking. And comforting. I'm not afraid to be me because there are so many far more weird than I am. Off point, but true. I think the fact that I'm not washing my hair is probably more of a question than why I'm a veggie now. I'll explain. I do wash it. Well, rinse it with water. And use baking soda and apple cider vinegar. Truth is, you don't need shampoo. It dries out your hair and has tons of chemicals that aren't good for you. Plus, I consider my style 'hobo chic'... and it fits into that category perfectly. And less time to actually get ready? Sign me up. Hair right now after three days = greassssyyy. Not too bad, though. I haven't tried the baking soda yet. That will help tremendously. I'll keep updating on my progress.

But back to the food issues- I've realized something. Something big. Something worth blogging about. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I've noticed that I've wanted to be healthy for quite some time. Who doesn't? It's important. And I know that. Knowing it isn't gonna make me change. Crazy, right? I've had to pray, more like beg for the Lord to give me the desire to be healthy. For so long it has been about being skinny. Don't get me wrong, you will rarely hear me complain about my body or how I wish this was smaller and this was a bit bigger, or any of that stuff. I am grateful for the body I have. But of course the insecurity is there. It's just hiding there and not being acknowledged. I have had to get to point where it's not about being skinny. Because the thought of being skinny isn't gonna keep me motivated. That is such a worldly view and it won't work. I know it. I've tried it. I had to get to a point where I know that I am giving up the things I crave more than God. The things I turn to instead of to the Lord. It's tough. Sometimes. I know for a fact that this is going to be much more of a spiritual journey than a physical one. I am excited and hoping that you'll pray with me. Pray for strength against temptations and that I would continue to have the desire to be healthy.

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." -Psalm 5:1-3

Mud & Poetry

"Whether it's practicing prayer or overcoming sin, don't put too much stock in yourself. God works harder than you might think. You might try to wrestle your way out of brambles of cynicism or sloth or pride so thick you think you're tangled beyond recognition. You throw your hands up. You take a spiritual catnap. But while you slept, God didn't. God is always working. Even when you feel defeated, or when God seems silent, by faith stay awake to the activity of God within you. God was making coffee and what you thought was silence was the silence of him waiting for the coffee to percolate. For days or months or even years he was laboring in loving silence."

-Mud & Poetry: love, sex, and the sacred

It doesn't always feel like summer here. It's not humid enough or hot enough to be summertime. But that's New Mexico for you. It boasts of beauty and the sweet Creation that the Lord has made. It's one of those beautiful things that you can barely grasp until you are in the midst of the best blessing of your life. This summer has been filled with adventure, courage, new friends, rekindled friendships, and lots of dishes.

While sitting in on a Fuge worship service the first week, I broke down. I remembered the days over the last nine months where my heart would break while thinking of being here in New Mexico. I would cry at the idea of never experiencing a worship service like this ever again. I thought about the bands that would play, the thousands of high schoolers lifting praises to Jesus, and the opportunity the Lord had put before me. I didn't think it would happen again, and when it did... I was overwhelmed with gratitude for all the love and mercy that the Lord pours down on me.

I was so grateful in that moment that I had come back to where the place that only seemed like a distant memory months before. Through all of the trials, hurts, and pain that had occurred the months before, I didn't think that the Lord could bless me so much. It's like making the biggest mistake of your life, and the Lord thinks blessing you with community and opportunities will make it all better. It does. He is TOO good. I will not let satan write "shame" across my heart for my past mistakes. There is no condemnation.

I am so grateful for this summer. It's been filled with adventures. I have done more and learned more than last summer. I am different, the people are different, and it's good.

In staff worship last night, we had a whole night dedicated to prayer. We prayed all styles of prayers. We kneeled, stood, and spoke aloud. It was meant to make us uncomfortable. It did the opposite for me. I was comforted by my ultimate Comforter. There were sheets of paper that we passed through our bible study group instructing us what to do and they were all so powerful. As I stood facing the back of the room as a metaphor of "facing my past", I had to pray prayers that started with "God, I saw you working when..." and I broke down again. I could only think of every moment that led me back here. I prayed prayers like:

God, I saw you working when I failed out of school.
God, I saw you working when in the midst of failure, my family extended grace.
God, I saw you working when You brought my a community that LOVES me and speaks truth into my life.
God, I saw you working when I got a job that allowed me to be Christ to lost people.
God, I saw you working when you softened the hearts of those around me to allowing me to come back to Glorieta.
God, I saw you working when You called me to be an art major and do something that I love.
God, I saw you working when I came back to Glorieta a different person than last year.
God, I saw you working when You brought me friends here that love You with their whole hearts.
God, I saw you working when You continue to renew my mind, my heart, and give me Your strength when all I have are weaknesses.

I am so grateful.

As I sat on the rooftop, tip-toeing to make sure our footsteps were only a mere noise, I thought about all the things that have been, the things that are, and the things yet to be. I praised God for the blessing of the community of girls He gave me after a season of hopelessness. I praised God for girls who speak truth into my life day in and day out. For their harsh but loving words towards my struggles and the desires of my heart. I thought about the blessings I'm leaving behind for three months and I thought about the possibilities that are before me. I thought of the mountains, the crisp air, the sunshine, and the adventure that this summer is going to hold. The beauty of new friends and the continuing journey of finding myself. I thought of joy. The joy that the Lord has restored in me in spite of my failures. I praised God for things that I didn't struggle with. I praised God for not living in fear. I am so thankful for the opportunities set before me. I pray that I will live a life full of adventure and spontaneity. Excitement fills my heart just thinking about the next three months. I am ready, Lord!

there is a plan.

For the past four months, I have been a wanderer. But when I get to the bottom of it, I don't believe I was lost. I was in such a season of adventure. I was ready for whatever the Lord threw at me, and boy... was it good. But now, I have a plan. I can't count the number of conversations between my sweet Jesus and I that have gone something like this:

Me: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for ____________!
Sweet Jesus: Girl, you know I got your back. Did you really doubt that I wouldn't give you the desires of your heart?

Yes, the Lord and I talk like that. Honestly though, He knows me. I am in awe of the sweet blessings He gives me even when I fail Him big. And I mean, BIG. Who deserves this? Definitely not me. But hey, I'll take it. And for that, thanks Jesus. You are TOO good to me.

In less than two months I will be heading back to the mountains. I'll get to be with all the indians in New Mexico and meet a whole new group of people that will hopefully become my summer bestfriends. I can barely talk about this without tears of joy flowing down my face. I get so worked up about it sometimes that I can barely get my words out right. There is so much left to do. Hike up Baldy, see a bear, figure out why there are life-size dinosaurs on the side of the road on the drive to Santa Fe. These things have been somewhat haunting my mind for the past 7 months. Thinking, I won't ever get to have those experiences. I was wrong. Praise the Lord. He is good. I am so thankful that I am known and that He wants this for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.