“The reason we are so willing to buy what the world is selling is because it is all clothes.” We are terrified and ashamed to be found naked before God, even though He made us that way. He knows every inch, every freckle, every thought, every vein, and He loves them. But we continue to believe that grace is earned, and so we continue to buy the world’s “clothes”, love the world’s gods, sell our bodies, hearts, souls to the world, and think that by covering ourselves with those things, we will in some way be able to trick God.

Jesus, I don't want to fake it. I want to be intimately known by You. I don't want what the world is selling anymore. The only thing I want is You. I choose You.

Peace.

As I sit here with both of my dogs in my lap (one being a whopping 70 lbs), it reminds me how sweet it is to be home. It's been a while since I've been home for longer than a week. Five whole weeks. The goal of this break is to find peace, take care of myself, and be adventurous. So far I've done things such as: make a gingerbread house, volunteered at CCA, saw the most amazing Christmas lights, played lots of guitar, drank dirty chai's, and met the sweet writers of Today's Letters. That's just the beginning of this exciting break.

Let's keep it comin'

If I had it my way...

If I had it my way, I would be a designer.
If I had it my way, I would own a vintage boutique with everything I love.
If I had it my way, I would be a wonderful blogger.
If I had it my way, everything would be different.

I don't get my way very often. I spent this whole semester trying to do things my way. Faith was rocky, friendships weren't always true, life was rough. I've learned that the Lord's plan is bigger than I can see. I'm learning to clean out the skeletons in my closet and turn back to the One who is pursuing, rooting, and loving me.

Can't wait to see what He is waiting to teach and show me.



You're better at redeeming me than I'll ever be at running from You.

I read this on a blog today and loved it. I highly encourage you take the time to read this girl's testimony. I was in awe when I read it and saw the things she has gone through. It gave me a sense of peace that the Lord works in so many different ways and that we are so easily swayed to the things of this world, but the Lord continue to pursue us until we are running back to Him. Here is the link for her testimony: http://bringmeforthinlove.wordpress.com/2010/05/01/april-27-2010-2/

She is a wonderful writer as well, and here is what I stumbled upon today.

It is not smiling for pictures that you will hang on your wall and put in your wallets.
And it is not fake plastic smiles for the crowds and kisses on the cheek.
It is not moving in together. It is not cuddling because you can and always finishing each other’s sentences. It is not always beautiful. And it doesn’t make you feel like you’re breathing the kind of air you always imagined everyone else knew the taste of.
It’s not constant butterflies. It’s not holding hands.
It isn’t spending all your time together, going on dates and having romantic thoughts.
Sometimes it’s ugly. Sometimes it’s picking up the broken pieces.
Sometimes it’s knowing that you have feelings that do not line up with God’s plan for your life, that do not line up with what is right, and it’s you walking on eggshells around the relationship so that it might not have to hurt so bad.
Sometimes it’s “I want you so much,” and “I want you so much but I love you enough to know that a relationship cannot be built off wanting someone."
It’s “I do love you, and I know you feel the same way, but this is not God’s plan for us, so I will love you by letting you go, by not acting on my emotions, but by knowing that you love me and I love you.
Love is dirty. Love was hung bruised, naked, hated. Love died for the sake of love.
Love is not “I will make you breakfast in bed”  and love is not “I want to be with you so, lets be together” 
It’s not what you have seen in movies and tv shows, and it’s not what they all sing about.
Love is in you and it’s in me. And sometimes, love means breaking my own heart because I have fallen in love with someone that my Father  did not have for me, someone that it would break His heart for me to be with me.
Love is making sacrifice pleasing to God. 

Aside from growing pains, puberty, and realizing I'm not as cool as I think I am, this season I'm in now is the most uncomfortable and unfortunate. I have never felt so out of place before. You know how everyone says that guys are "all about the chase"? And once they catch the girl, they are just complacent? Nothing else to work towards? Nothing to keep them interested? Well, I feel that way right now. About... everything. Mostly school and the fact that I'm finally where I have been wanting to be since the fourth grade. FOURTH GRADE. I made it. I'm here. I'm doing the thing that I dreamed of doing. I'm in the place that fills me with so much joy. And what am I doing with all of these great experiences and opportunities? Throwing them away. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not proud of it and there is no way to go back and change the way I handled my schoolwork, priorities, health, or anything this past semester. It's about to come to a close and I've realized that I've learned nothing. If anything, I've learned everything to not do. I don't mean to be all down and negative about this situation, but isn't that what blogs are for? :)

It's been a tough realization to come to, but I never thought that I was this lazy. Laziness. It consumes me. I like to do things though. I'm all about seeing people, spending time at coffee shops, and going to the next ASC event or meeting. But school? No. I came into this semester overestimating myself and completely underestimating my God. I didn't give this semester to Him. This semester is all my plan, not His. I thought I could be involved in more than one time-consuming activity and still do well in all of my classes. FALSE. I thought I could do everything. I partially think that this is the Pastrana in me. My family has this unconscious belief that we are all superheroes. I'm sure of it. We think we can do more than our body can handle... but most of the time, we pull it off. The point is, it's hard to end a semester and look back and only see the mistakes. It went by too fast and it was hard. Not just the classes, but my heart towards them was hard. I didn't go to class because I got an "I don't care about anything" attitude. This is the last thing I want and I hate that I have gotten to this point. I even think that I am smarter than my professors sometimes. Obviously, that's not true. Or else I'd be doing really well in all of my classes.

I don't know what the Lord is trying to teach me through this huge struggle, but it's making me doubt a lot. I try not to doubt Him, so instead, I doubt myself. Am I smart enough to even go to A&M? I'm still trying to figure that one out. I mean, I got in. They wanted me. There is a reason that I'm here. I have a purpose. I know that much, but that's about it. Maybe my time here is up. That thought keeps going through my head. I don't know if that's just me chickening out or trying to avoid my problems... or maybe it's a good idea. Sometimes I don't feel like I can grow here. I feel like I'm in too much of a bubble, or as some peolpe would say, "cult". I love our little cult, but I don't know if it's good for me right now. I feel like there's so much more I can do with myself and I feel like I'm too bottled up here. After being home for thanksgiving, it made me feel like I should be closer. These are just ideas. Not like I would ever truly want to leave A&M. My heart would break. I would probably cry every day. Not. gonna. lie. But, if it's part of the Lord's plan, I'll go. I'm just patiently waiting for Him to lead me to the understanding of what He has been trying to teach me this semester. I've ran to so many other things the past few months and I'm ready to run to Him.