Emotional stuffing

I spent my whole life being "too much". I would say too much and people would know my whole life story within five minutes of knowing me (whether they wanted to or not). After hearing the words "too much" way too often, I decided to change. I have also never been a happy medium girl. I am always one extreme or the other. Super dark hair, or bleach blonde hair. Playing every sport, or not playing any. I went the other way. I changed without even knowing it, and only because I was told that sharing was wrong. No boy would ever like me if I wasn't mysterious. Boys like the chase, they don't want to know everything about you right away. I guess it's true. But it took a good six or more years for me to realize that the other extreme isn't right either. I thought that if I wasn't sharing every thought I had every moment I had it, I was okay. It turned out to be me not being authentic, keeping all of my secrets inside, and holding onto baggage that I was never supposed to carry alone.

It wasn't until the beginning months of 2011 that I sat down for the first time with a counselor who looked me straight in the face and said, "You are an emotional stuffer. That is not healthy. At all. Did you know that?" The answer was no. I didn't have any knowledge of it and I have struggled since then to be able to feel. I am thankfully able to be authentic with the girls around me on my life struggles. Things that are overall huge pains and bondage that I am dealing with. And that is good. I don't undermine the growth that I've experienced by just being able to do that, but it's the day to day emotions that I forget. I am so numb to feeling that I don't even think about the fact that I don't think about how I feel. Then one day the simpliest thing can upset me, and it feels like every burden I've carried for months is weighing me down because I didn't deal with it at the time it started. I constantly feel like Cameron Diaz in the movie The Holiday because I cannot cry. Ever. And if I do, it's never for anything important. It's over something so miniscule that I would laugh at myself the next day for even making such a scene. I want to feel again. I want to be able to cry when someone makes me upset. I want to be okay with not being okay.

Do you ever have an epiphany? Yeah, me neither. But today I did. I've always been intrigued by that saying that goes (something) like this- "day to day not much changes, but when you look back, everything's different". It's true. I've been thinking about this lately. Especially when it comes to New Years. I know that's not for a few months, but I've been awaiting it. I feel like every New Years, I can honestly never recall memories from that year. I always end up uttering something like, "Well, I guess it was a good year...?" I never know. Maybe now that I'm getting older, I'm more perceptive or my memory is getting better, but I'm starting to recall those memories from year to year. Mostly these past few years. Every day I realize something that was completely different about me a year ago. 180. Confrontation? Sucked at it. Now? I should probably be a little less harsh with things I'm willing to say. I'm trying to take these changes and find their root. What changed? Who taught me those things? Why? So many questions.

Things I used to be good at: sharing my feelings. I have always been an open book. Really. I think one of the qualities that goes along with being loud is being open. Very open. I would probably tell you my whole life story in the first five minutes of meeting you. And now... One of my closest friends told me just tonight that she is constantly wondering what I'm feeling. She says she never knows cause I never talk about my feelings. And now I'm wondering why. Not that I think either extreme is right. I believe there are happy mediums to most things in life and feelings/emotions fall into that category. What is the root? Why am I so closed off? Why has it changed in the past few years? How can I figure it out?

Even as my friend confronted me about my lack-o'-feelins, I laughed it off and made a joke of it. Am I turning into a boy? Sometimes I wonder. I don't cry. I hate when others cry around me. I don't talk about my feelings. Where has that little girl gone? Sounds silly, but I'm worried. Especially when people start to say things like, "Wow, Bianca. I just can't figure you out." What? Really? In awe, I tell ya. Guess I have some figuring out to do. Gonna get to the root of this eventually.

Other things I've noticed: I really like to use commas.
Also: I wish I was a great writer. It's just easier to bust my sentences out like they come to my head, which sometimes is very scattered. No need to make it sound fancy or anything, just the straight truth.

Xoxo,
B

Dirty Hippies

Things are a changin'. I'm learning every day about things that God is tweeking in my life. He is constantly changing me, not into a new person, but into a better... me. I am becoming a new creation and I'm finally opening up to it. I have been reading more than I ever have in my life. And actually finishing the books that I start. It's a great feeling, you know? Accomplishing even that simple act of reading words on a page until they are no more. I've learned a lot from these books. From sex, dating, religion, and food. It's caused me to really question certain decisions I make and things I allow into my life. For instance, if I ever meet another girl who has food issues like I do, I can recommend her my new favorite book. Made to Crave: Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food. Can you believe there is even a book on this? Food issues are important. If the very downfall of humanity was caused by Eve being tempted to eat something she wasn't supposed to eat, then yes, it's important to God. That, coupled with the book Skinny Bitch has caused me to really think about how I view food. Do I rely on food more than I rely on God? It sounds like such a silly question, but when you get to the heart of the matter, most of our overweight, physical issues all go back to spiritual problems that have been there for too long. We never realized it. Or at least I never did.

Because of these books, I have now become a vegetarian and stopped washing my hair. Or maybe that's because I live in hippie town (Denton). I am trying not to become a dirty Dentonite... but it's hard. Everyone here is so raw. And original. And fully themselves. It's breathtaking. And comforting. I'm not afraid to be me because there are so many far more weird than I am. Off point, but true. I think the fact that I'm not washing my hair is probably more of a question than why I'm a veggie now. I'll explain. I do wash it. Well, rinse it with water. And use baking soda and apple cider vinegar. Truth is, you don't need shampoo. It dries out your hair and has tons of chemicals that aren't good for you. Plus, I consider my style 'hobo chic'... and it fits into that category perfectly. And less time to actually get ready? Sign me up. Hair right now after three days = greassssyyy. Not too bad, though. I haven't tried the baking soda yet. That will help tremendously. I'll keep updating on my progress.

But back to the food issues- I've realized something. Something big. Something worth blogging about. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I've noticed that I've wanted to be healthy for quite some time. Who doesn't? It's important. And I know that. Knowing it isn't gonna make me change. Crazy, right? I've had to pray, more like beg for the Lord to give me the desire to be healthy. For so long it has been about being skinny. Don't get me wrong, you will rarely hear me complain about my body or how I wish this was smaller and this was a bit bigger, or any of that stuff. I am grateful for the body I have. But of course the insecurity is there. It's just hiding there and not being acknowledged. I have had to get to point where it's not about being skinny. Because the thought of being skinny isn't gonna keep me motivated. That is such a worldly view and it won't work. I know it. I've tried it. I had to get to a point where I know that I am giving up the things I crave more than God. The things I turn to instead of to the Lord. It's tough. Sometimes. I know for a fact that this is going to be much more of a spiritual journey than a physical one. I am excited and hoping that you'll pray with me. Pray for strength against temptations and that I would continue to have the desire to be healthy.

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." -Psalm 5:1-3

Mud & Poetry

"Whether it's practicing prayer or overcoming sin, don't put too much stock in yourself. God works harder than you might think. You might try to wrestle your way out of brambles of cynicism or sloth or pride so thick you think you're tangled beyond recognition. You throw your hands up. You take a spiritual catnap. But while you slept, God didn't. God is always working. Even when you feel defeated, or when God seems silent, by faith stay awake to the activity of God within you. God was making coffee and what you thought was silence was the silence of him waiting for the coffee to percolate. For days or months or even years he was laboring in loving silence."

-Mud & Poetry: love, sex, and the sacred

It doesn't always feel like summer here. It's not humid enough or hot enough to be summertime. But that's New Mexico for you. It boasts of beauty and the sweet Creation that the Lord has made. It's one of those beautiful things that you can barely grasp until you are in the midst of the best blessing of your life. This summer has been filled with adventure, courage, new friends, rekindled friendships, and lots of dishes.

While sitting in on a Fuge worship service the first week, I broke down. I remembered the days over the last nine months where my heart would break while thinking of being here in New Mexico. I would cry at the idea of never experiencing a worship service like this ever again. I thought about the bands that would play, the thousands of high schoolers lifting praises to Jesus, and the opportunity the Lord had put before me. I didn't think it would happen again, and when it did... I was overwhelmed with gratitude for all the love and mercy that the Lord pours down on me.

I was so grateful in that moment that I had come back to where the place that only seemed like a distant memory months before. Through all of the trials, hurts, and pain that had occurred the months before, I didn't think that the Lord could bless me so much. It's like making the biggest mistake of your life, and the Lord thinks blessing you with community and opportunities will make it all better. It does. He is TOO good. I will not let satan write "shame" across my heart for my past mistakes. There is no condemnation.

I am so grateful for this summer. It's been filled with adventures. I have done more and learned more than last summer. I am different, the people are different, and it's good.

In staff worship last night, we had a whole night dedicated to prayer. We prayed all styles of prayers. We kneeled, stood, and spoke aloud. It was meant to make us uncomfortable. It did the opposite for me. I was comforted by my ultimate Comforter. There were sheets of paper that we passed through our bible study group instructing us what to do and they were all so powerful. As I stood facing the back of the room as a metaphor of "facing my past", I had to pray prayers that started with "God, I saw you working when..." and I broke down again. I could only think of every moment that led me back here. I prayed prayers like:

God, I saw you working when I failed out of school.
God, I saw you working when in the midst of failure, my family extended grace.
God, I saw you working when You brought my a community that LOVES me and speaks truth into my life.
God, I saw you working when I got a job that allowed me to be Christ to lost people.
God, I saw you working when you softened the hearts of those around me to allowing me to come back to Glorieta.
God, I saw you working when You called me to be an art major and do something that I love.
God, I saw you working when I came back to Glorieta a different person than last year.
God, I saw you working when You brought me friends here that love You with their whole hearts.
God, I saw you working when You continue to renew my mind, my heart, and give me Your strength when all I have are weaknesses.

I am so grateful.

As I sat on the rooftop, tip-toeing to make sure our footsteps were only a mere noise, I thought about all the things that have been, the things that are, and the things yet to be. I praised God for the blessing of the community of girls He gave me after a season of hopelessness. I praised God for girls who speak truth into my life day in and day out. For their harsh but loving words towards my struggles and the desires of my heart. I thought about the blessings I'm leaving behind for three months and I thought about the possibilities that are before me. I thought of the mountains, the crisp air, the sunshine, and the adventure that this summer is going to hold. The beauty of new friends and the continuing journey of finding myself. I thought of joy. The joy that the Lord has restored in me in spite of my failures. I praised God for things that I didn't struggle with. I praised God for not living in fear. I am so thankful for the opportunities set before me. I pray that I will live a life full of adventure and spontaneity. Excitement fills my heart just thinking about the next three months. I am ready, Lord!

there is a plan.

For the past four months, I have been a wanderer. But when I get to the bottom of it, I don't believe I was lost. I was in such a season of adventure. I was ready for whatever the Lord threw at me, and boy... was it good. But now, I have a plan. I can't count the number of conversations between my sweet Jesus and I that have gone something like this:

Me: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for ____________!
Sweet Jesus: Girl, you know I got your back. Did you really doubt that I wouldn't give you the desires of your heart?

Yes, the Lord and I talk like that. Honestly though, He knows me. I am in awe of the sweet blessings He gives me even when I fail Him big. And I mean, BIG. Who deserves this? Definitely not me. But hey, I'll take it. And for that, thanks Jesus. You are TOO good to me.

In less than two months I will be heading back to the mountains. I'll get to be with all the indians in New Mexico and meet a whole new group of people that will hopefully become my summer bestfriends. I can barely talk about this without tears of joy flowing down my face. I get so worked up about it sometimes that I can barely get my words out right. There is so much left to do. Hike up Baldy, see a bear, figure out why there are life-size dinosaurs on the side of the road on the drive to Santa Fe. These things have been somewhat haunting my mind for the past 7 months. Thinking, I won't ever get to have those experiences. I was wrong. Praise the Lord. He is good. I am so thankful that I am known and that He wants this for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sometimes I get caught up in the life I want to have. It's not that I dislike my life now, but it's almost as if I'm seeing the future me. Seeing myself in five or ten years when I'll finally be exactly who I want to be. Then I think that it's likely that I won't be that person in five or ten years. I think, "What if I turn twenty-five and look back pondering how I got to that place?" Wondering why I'm not who I envisioned myself being.

I also wonder why I'm not already that person. If I know who I want to be, why don't I just be that girl.

I find this thought process going through my mind a lot when I blog-stalk. I have the ability to get lost in blogs. All kinds of blogs. Design, DIY (so many craft ideas), Mommy blogs, blogs with tons of quotes on them, etc. They absolutely, 100% fascinate me. I could spend all day, every day finding new blogs to fall in love with. They have a tendency to make me question who I am. Whether it's a quote I read or a photograph I see on it, it always makes me question. Whether good or bad, I love it. I love thinking beyond what I know to be true and beyond everyday life. It's like when I read blogs... the world has never seemed so... big. That sounds silly, I know.

How can a blog make someone feel this crazy?

When I read them, I find out new things. I learn. I think... "hmm, I want that." or "hmm, I want to be like that." or the most common: "I want to MAKE that. Now. Right now. Let's go to Hobby Lobby."

Blogs... They help me figure out who I want to become. Not completely, but they help me find out what kind of style I want to have. What do I want my future house to look like? How do I want to show love to my husband? What is my house going to be filled with? Am I going to have a whole wall of bookshelves? Am I going to love traveling?

Who am I going to be?

I got asked to do something yesterday that got me thinking. I think that was the point. I got asked to journal about my ideal job. Take out every single obstacle that could possibly stand in my way. Forget where I would live or who I would be with or what I believe in. Only think about what I would do.

I can see it in my head. It's one of those pictures that's almost impossible to put to words. I can see everything I would be good at and would love to do, but honestly... there's not just one word for that job title. It would be so many beautiful, time-consuming, lovely things wrapped into one. I would create, design, love, write, and photograph. Honestly, that is everything I want to be.

I want to be a creator who lives for her Creator.

All I have to do is figure out how to make that goal happen.

Things are good. I have so much to look forward to. Here's a run-down on the month of February. This weekend I will tailgate at the superbowl with a wonderful friend and a bunch of cool people I have yet to meet. So awesome. I can't imagine how crazy Arlington is going to be but it will be fun! Weekend after = Birthday weekend #1 in College Station, seeing my small group, Justin Bieber movie at midnight, Giraffe birthday cake, bestfriends, combined birthday party with Madalyn, and FBC. So. Many. Blessings. The weekend after that is birthday weekend #2 in Los Angeles. YES, PLEASE. This will include over 10 tourist-like things and a dodge charger rental car. Maybe throw in some Disney Land (I've never been)! Last weekend in February- Momma and I run a 5K at the Fort Worth Stockyards!

Are you jealous of my life right now? I'm just a little excited. You can be a part of it if you want.

“The reason we are so willing to buy what the world is selling is because it is all clothes.” We are terrified and ashamed to be found naked before God, even though He made us that way. He knows every inch, every freckle, every thought, every vein, and He loves them. But we continue to believe that grace is earned, and so we continue to buy the world’s “clothes”, love the world’s gods, sell our bodies, hearts, souls to the world, and think that by covering ourselves with those things, we will in some way be able to trick God.

Jesus, I don't want to fake it. I want to be intimately known by You. I don't want what the world is selling anymore. The only thing I want is You. I choose You.

Peace.

As I sit here with both of my dogs in my lap (one being a whopping 70 lbs), it reminds me how sweet it is to be home. It's been a while since I've been home for longer than a week. Five whole weeks. The goal of this break is to find peace, take care of myself, and be adventurous. So far I've done things such as: make a gingerbread house, volunteered at CCA, saw the most amazing Christmas lights, played lots of guitar, drank dirty chai's, and met the sweet writers of Today's Letters. That's just the beginning of this exciting break.

Let's keep it comin'

If I had it my way...

If I had it my way, I would be a designer.
If I had it my way, I would own a vintage boutique with everything I love.
If I had it my way, I would be a wonderful blogger.
If I had it my way, everything would be different.

I don't get my way very often. I spent this whole semester trying to do things my way. Faith was rocky, friendships weren't always true, life was rough. I've learned that the Lord's plan is bigger than I can see. I'm learning to clean out the skeletons in my closet and turn back to the One who is pursuing, rooting, and loving me.

Can't wait to see what He is waiting to teach and show me.



You're better at redeeming me than I'll ever be at running from You.

I read this on a blog today and loved it. I highly encourage you take the time to read this girl's testimony. I was in awe when I read it and saw the things she has gone through. It gave me a sense of peace that the Lord works in so many different ways and that we are so easily swayed to the things of this world, but the Lord continue to pursue us until we are running back to Him. Here is the link for her testimony: http://bringmeforthinlove.wordpress.com/2010/05/01/april-27-2010-2/

She is a wonderful writer as well, and here is what I stumbled upon today.

It is not smiling for pictures that you will hang on your wall and put in your wallets.
And it is not fake plastic smiles for the crowds and kisses on the cheek.
It is not moving in together. It is not cuddling because you can and always finishing each other’s sentences. It is not always beautiful. And it doesn’t make you feel like you’re breathing the kind of air you always imagined everyone else knew the taste of.
It’s not constant butterflies. It’s not holding hands.
It isn’t spending all your time together, going on dates and having romantic thoughts.
Sometimes it’s ugly. Sometimes it’s picking up the broken pieces.
Sometimes it’s knowing that you have feelings that do not line up with God’s plan for your life, that do not line up with what is right, and it’s you walking on eggshells around the relationship so that it might not have to hurt so bad.
Sometimes it’s “I want you so much,” and “I want you so much but I love you enough to know that a relationship cannot be built off wanting someone."
It’s “I do love you, and I know you feel the same way, but this is not God’s plan for us, so I will love you by letting you go, by not acting on my emotions, but by knowing that you love me and I love you.
Love is dirty. Love was hung bruised, naked, hated. Love died for the sake of love.
Love is not “I will make you breakfast in bed”  and love is not “I want to be with you so, lets be together” 
It’s not what you have seen in movies and tv shows, and it’s not what they all sing about.
Love is in you and it’s in me. And sometimes, love means breaking my own heart because I have fallen in love with someone that my Father  did not have for me, someone that it would break His heart for me to be with me.
Love is making sacrifice pleasing to God. 

Aside from growing pains, puberty, and realizing I'm not as cool as I think I am, this season I'm in now is the most uncomfortable and unfortunate. I have never felt so out of place before. You know how everyone says that guys are "all about the chase"? And once they catch the girl, they are just complacent? Nothing else to work towards? Nothing to keep them interested? Well, I feel that way right now. About... everything. Mostly school and the fact that I'm finally where I have been wanting to be since the fourth grade. FOURTH GRADE. I made it. I'm here. I'm doing the thing that I dreamed of doing. I'm in the place that fills me with so much joy. And what am I doing with all of these great experiences and opportunities? Throwing them away. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not proud of it and there is no way to go back and change the way I handled my schoolwork, priorities, health, or anything this past semester. It's about to come to a close and I've realized that I've learned nothing. If anything, I've learned everything to not do. I don't mean to be all down and negative about this situation, but isn't that what blogs are for? :)

It's been a tough realization to come to, but I never thought that I was this lazy. Laziness. It consumes me. I like to do things though. I'm all about seeing people, spending time at coffee shops, and going to the next ASC event or meeting. But school? No. I came into this semester overestimating myself and completely underestimating my God. I didn't give this semester to Him. This semester is all my plan, not His. I thought I could be involved in more than one time-consuming activity and still do well in all of my classes. FALSE. I thought I could do everything. I partially think that this is the Pastrana in me. My family has this unconscious belief that we are all superheroes. I'm sure of it. We think we can do more than our body can handle... but most of the time, we pull it off. The point is, it's hard to end a semester and look back and only see the mistakes. It went by too fast and it was hard. Not just the classes, but my heart towards them was hard. I didn't go to class because I got an "I don't care about anything" attitude. This is the last thing I want and I hate that I have gotten to this point. I even think that I am smarter than my professors sometimes. Obviously, that's not true. Or else I'd be doing really well in all of my classes.

I don't know what the Lord is trying to teach me through this huge struggle, but it's making me doubt a lot. I try not to doubt Him, so instead, I doubt myself. Am I smart enough to even go to A&M? I'm still trying to figure that one out. I mean, I got in. They wanted me. There is a reason that I'm here. I have a purpose. I know that much, but that's about it. Maybe my time here is up. That thought keeps going through my head. I don't know if that's just me chickening out or trying to avoid my problems... or maybe it's a good idea. Sometimes I don't feel like I can grow here. I feel like I'm in too much of a bubble, or as some peolpe would say, "cult". I love our little cult, but I don't know if it's good for me right now. I feel like there's so much more I can do with myself and I feel like I'm too bottled up here. After being home for thanksgiving, it made me feel like I should be closer. These are just ideas. Not like I would ever truly want to leave A&M. My heart would break. I would probably cry every day. Not. gonna. lie. But, if it's part of the Lord's plan, I'll go. I'm just patiently waiting for Him to lead me to the understanding of what He has been trying to teach me this semester. I've ran to so many other things the past few months and I'm ready to run to Him.

As I sit here listening to Mumford & Sons and slowly getting ready to go to New Girl Induction for ASC, it makes me take in the blessings of Monday nights. I think these nights will be the ones I miss most after college. Luckily, I still have two more years of Monday meetings and being surrounded by over 200 beautiful girls who all have the same goal in mind. Isn't that wonderful?

ASC has taught me to open up to people and the Lord has softened my heart in order for me to spill my mess with the girls of this organization. I'm so grateful for girls that know my heart and choose to hang out with me anyways. If it weren't for ASC, I wouldn't be in College Station. I probably would have given up already. The heartbeat of ASC is what keeps me wanting to change this college town. I want A&M to be more than a decent football team or tens of thousands of students with weird traditions that no one understands but us. I want people to drive down 6 and into College Station and realize that we are different. We are covered by the blood of Christ and we will never be the same. I want us to be able to carry each other's burdens and always know that we're never alone. ASC has brought that to me and I'm ready to spread it all over campus. Are you with me?

Lord, help me to cast away all of the demons that tell me that I can't make a difference in this world. Take away the guilt of not being good enough and constantly whisper that You have called ME. Thank you for waiting for me even after I choose 100 things before you. You are my choice.

I saw this painting in New Mexico and wanted to buy it in the auction so badly. Then decided that I could paint it myself instead. Challenge? Yes. I'm nervous.. But it's going to happen.

Today: The woman from Today's Letters (Emily Loerke) commented on my friend Victoria's status and said that her and I were "too cute". It was like that feeling when a famous person tweets you back.. Except better. Because she is was more inspirational than any famous person is.

Pretty exciting, if you ask me :) That's all for today.

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year.

"People keep telling me that I fall in love too easily- that I should protect my heart, that I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve… I fall in love at least 20 times a day. I fall in love with the sky and the sun and the flowers. I fall in love with smiles, with music on the radio and with french fries and Dr. Pepper. I fall in love with the sound of laughter, blue jeans, accents… Sometimes I fall in love with complete strangers, especially the ones holding hands and being all cute in public. The ones who aren’t afraid to be in love with the idea of being in love either. I don’t mind the pain of unrequited love so much, because I think they’re wrong. Love looks good on me."

Dear iPhone, I'm sorry... but it's over. You are really great and it's cool that basically the whole population owns one of you, but I am not one of those anymore. I have traded you in for a phone that does the exact same things but is less breakable. Sorry it had to be this way, but I'm happier now. Dear Weekend, TOO FAST. Dear Psych Test Tomorrow, I'm not too scared of you. Don't prove me wrong. Dear Clean Bathroom, I knew that when Mommy came this weekend, you would get a little bath. Thanks be to her! Dear Lord, thank you for teaching me about your truths through more than just biblical references. Science is starting to become more interesting. Thank you for continuing to pursue me and help me learn more about YOU.

Dear Bestfriend, surprising me this weekend = LEGIT. Thanks for being so awesome. Dear Test Weeks, SO. GLAD. YOU. ARE. OVER. Dear Lake Bryan, I will be visiting you sometime this week to explore/hammock. Get excited. Dear N*SYNC Pandora Station, you basically rocked my face off when Court and I drove home yesterday. Three hours of old memories made the traffic slightly less awful. Dear Future Husband, I hope you are an aggie. If not, please pretend to enjoy our weird traditions and sayings. Thanks & Gig 'Em. Dear Joley, ever since going to Midnight Yell last night, you haven't stopped saying "Got a little story for ya, Ags"... I think you are becoming one of us. Now move to College Station. Thanks. Dear King of Kings, you have given me so many blessings. Thanks for still caring about a nobody like me.