there is a plan.

For the past four months, I have been a wanderer. But when I get to the bottom of it, I don't believe I was lost. I was in such a season of adventure. I was ready for whatever the Lord threw at me, and boy... was it good. But now, I have a plan. I can't count the number of conversations between my sweet Jesus and I that have gone something like this:

Me: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for ____________!
Sweet Jesus: Girl, you know I got your back. Did you really doubt that I wouldn't give you the desires of your heart?

Yes, the Lord and I talk like that. Honestly though, He knows me. I am in awe of the sweet blessings He gives me even when I fail Him big. And I mean, BIG. Who deserves this? Definitely not me. But hey, I'll take it. And for that, thanks Jesus. You are TOO good to me.

In less than two months I will be heading back to the mountains. I'll get to be with all the indians in New Mexico and meet a whole new group of people that will hopefully become my summer bestfriends. I can barely talk about this without tears of joy flowing down my face. I get so worked up about it sometimes that I can barely get my words out right. There is so much left to do. Hike up Baldy, see a bear, figure out why there are life-size dinosaurs on the side of the road on the drive to Santa Fe. These things have been somewhat haunting my mind for the past 7 months. Thinking, I won't ever get to have those experiences. I was wrong. Praise the Lord. He is good. I am so thankful that I am known and that He wants this for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sometimes I get caught up in the life I want to have. It's not that I dislike my life now, but it's almost as if I'm seeing the future me. Seeing myself in five or ten years when I'll finally be exactly who I want to be. Then I think that it's likely that I won't be that person in five or ten years. I think, "What if I turn twenty-five and look back pondering how I got to that place?" Wondering why I'm not who I envisioned myself being.

I also wonder why I'm not already that person. If I know who I want to be, why don't I just be that girl.

I find this thought process going through my mind a lot when I blog-stalk. I have the ability to get lost in blogs. All kinds of blogs. Design, DIY (so many craft ideas), Mommy blogs, blogs with tons of quotes on them, etc. They absolutely, 100% fascinate me. I could spend all day, every day finding new blogs to fall in love with. They have a tendency to make me question who I am. Whether it's a quote I read or a photograph I see on it, it always makes me question. Whether good or bad, I love it. I love thinking beyond what I know to be true and beyond everyday life. It's like when I read blogs... the world has never seemed so... big. That sounds silly, I know.

How can a blog make someone feel this crazy?

When I read them, I find out new things. I learn. I think... "hmm, I want that." or "hmm, I want to be like that." or the most common: "I want to MAKE that. Now. Right now. Let's go to Hobby Lobby."

Blogs... They help me figure out who I want to become. Not completely, but they help me find out what kind of style I want to have. What do I want my future house to look like? How do I want to show love to my husband? What is my house going to be filled with? Am I going to have a whole wall of bookshelves? Am I going to love traveling?

Who am I going to be?

I got asked to do something yesterday that got me thinking. I think that was the point. I got asked to journal about my ideal job. Take out every single obstacle that could possibly stand in my way. Forget where I would live or who I would be with or what I believe in. Only think about what I would do.

I can see it in my head. It's one of those pictures that's almost impossible to put to words. I can see everything I would be good at and would love to do, but honestly... there's not just one word for that job title. It would be so many beautiful, time-consuming, lovely things wrapped into one. I would create, design, love, write, and photograph. Honestly, that is everything I want to be.

I want to be a creator who lives for her Creator.

All I have to do is figure out how to make that goal happen.

Things are good. I have so much to look forward to. Here's a run-down on the month of February. This weekend I will tailgate at the superbowl with a wonderful friend and a bunch of cool people I have yet to meet. So awesome. I can't imagine how crazy Arlington is going to be but it will be fun! Weekend after = Birthday weekend #1 in College Station, seeing my small group, Justin Bieber movie at midnight, Giraffe birthday cake, bestfriends, combined birthday party with Madalyn, and FBC. So. Many. Blessings. The weekend after that is birthday weekend #2 in Los Angeles. YES, PLEASE. This will include over 10 tourist-like things and a dodge charger rental car. Maybe throw in some Disney Land (I've never been)! Last weekend in February- Momma and I run a 5K at the Fort Worth Stockyards!

Are you jealous of my life right now? I'm just a little excited. You can be a part of it if you want.

“The reason we are so willing to buy what the world is selling is because it is all clothes.” We are terrified and ashamed to be found naked before God, even though He made us that way. He knows every inch, every freckle, every thought, every vein, and He loves them. But we continue to believe that grace is earned, and so we continue to buy the world’s “clothes”, love the world’s gods, sell our bodies, hearts, souls to the world, and think that by covering ourselves with those things, we will in some way be able to trick God.

Jesus, I don't want to fake it. I want to be intimately known by You. I don't want what the world is selling anymore. The only thing I want is You. I choose You.

Peace.

As I sit here with both of my dogs in my lap (one being a whopping 70 lbs), it reminds me how sweet it is to be home. It's been a while since I've been home for longer than a week. Five whole weeks. The goal of this break is to find peace, take care of myself, and be adventurous. So far I've done things such as: make a gingerbread house, volunteered at CCA, saw the most amazing Christmas lights, played lots of guitar, drank dirty chai's, and met the sweet writers of Today's Letters. That's just the beginning of this exciting break.

Let's keep it comin'

If I had it my way...

If I had it my way, I would be a designer.
If I had it my way, I would own a vintage boutique with everything I love.
If I had it my way, I would be a wonderful blogger.
If I had it my way, everything would be different.

I don't get my way very often. I spent this whole semester trying to do things my way. Faith was rocky, friendships weren't always true, life was rough. I've learned that the Lord's plan is bigger than I can see. I'm learning to clean out the skeletons in my closet and turn back to the One who is pursuing, rooting, and loving me.

Can't wait to see what He is waiting to teach and show me.



You're better at redeeming me than I'll ever be at running from You.

I read this on a blog today and loved it. I highly encourage you take the time to read this girl's testimony. I was in awe when I read it and saw the things she has gone through. It gave me a sense of peace that the Lord works in so many different ways and that we are so easily swayed to the things of this world, but the Lord continue to pursue us until we are running back to Him. Here is the link for her testimony: http://bringmeforthinlove.wordpress.com/2010/05/01/april-27-2010-2/

She is a wonderful writer as well, and here is what I stumbled upon today.

It is not smiling for pictures that you will hang on your wall and put in your wallets.
And it is not fake plastic smiles for the crowds and kisses on the cheek.
It is not moving in together. It is not cuddling because you can and always finishing each other’s sentences. It is not always beautiful. And it doesn’t make you feel like you’re breathing the kind of air you always imagined everyone else knew the taste of.
It’s not constant butterflies. It’s not holding hands.
It isn’t spending all your time together, going on dates and having romantic thoughts.
Sometimes it’s ugly. Sometimes it’s picking up the broken pieces.
Sometimes it’s knowing that you have feelings that do not line up with God’s plan for your life, that do not line up with what is right, and it’s you walking on eggshells around the relationship so that it might not have to hurt so bad.
Sometimes it’s “I want you so much,” and “I want you so much but I love you enough to know that a relationship cannot be built off wanting someone."
It’s “I do love you, and I know you feel the same way, but this is not God’s plan for us, so I will love you by letting you go, by not acting on my emotions, but by knowing that you love me and I love you.
Love is dirty. Love was hung bruised, naked, hated. Love died for the sake of love.
Love is not “I will make you breakfast in bed”  and love is not “I want to be with you so, lets be together” 
It’s not what you have seen in movies and tv shows, and it’s not what they all sing about.
Love is in you and it’s in me. And sometimes, love means breaking my own heart because I have fallen in love with someone that my Father  did not have for me, someone that it would break His heart for me to be with me.
Love is making sacrifice pleasing to God.