Do you ever have an epiphany? Yeah, me neither. But today I did. I've always been intrigued by that saying that goes (something) like this- "day to day not much changes, but when you look back, everything's different". It's true. I've been thinking about this lately. Especially when it comes to New Years. I know that's not for a few months, but I've been awaiting it. I feel like every New Years, I can honestly never recall memories from that year. I always end up uttering something like, "Well, I guess it was a good year...?" I never know. Maybe now that I'm getting older, I'm more perceptive or my memory is getting better, but I'm starting to recall those memories from year to year. Mostly these past few years. Every day I realize something that was completely different about me a year ago. 180. Confrontation? Sucked at it. Now? I should probably be a little less harsh with things I'm willing to say. I'm trying to take these changes and find their root. What changed? Who taught me those things? Why? So many questions.
Things I used to be good at: sharing my feelings. I have always been an open book. Really. I think one of the qualities that goes along with being loud is being open. Very open. I would probably tell you my whole life story in the first five minutes of meeting you. And now... One of my closest friends told me just tonight that she is constantly wondering what I'm feeling. She says she never knows cause I never talk about my feelings. And now I'm wondering why. Not that I think either extreme is right. I believe there are happy mediums to most things in life and feelings/emotions fall into that category. What is the root? Why am I so closed off? Why has it changed in the past few years? How can I figure it out?
Even as my friend confronted me about my lack-o'-feelins, I laughed it off and made a joke of it. Am I turning into a boy? Sometimes I wonder. I don't cry. I hate when others cry around me. I don't talk about my feelings. Where has that little girl gone? Sounds silly, but I'm worried. Especially when people start to say things like, "Wow, Bianca. I just can't figure you out." What? Really? In awe, I tell ya. Guess I have some figuring out to do. Gonna get to the root of this eventually.
Other things I've noticed: I really like to use commas.
Also: I wish I was a great writer. It's just easier to bust my sentences out like they come to my head, which sometimes is very scattered. No need to make it sound fancy or anything, just the straight truth.