Home for the Holidays...

My brother just got married. I honestly couldn't be happier for him, especially because I love my new sister-in-law and the rest of her family as well. Although, it got me to thinking about how things are changing. The holidays won't be the same anymore. I have to share him... for the rest of my life. They're in Jamaica now for their honeymoon and won't be here for Christmas and part of me is kind of torn up about it. My mom keeps telling me that I'm turning into a 10 year old again because I want this Christmas to be normal.. but I think it's cause my family has never really been the type to eat a giant feast on Christmas day, have a big get together with all of our outside family, or even form some kind of tradition. It's never really bothered me before this year and I don't know why I all the sudden feel like family time during the holidays is so important. I love my family and I wish there were more opportunities for us to celebrate together and I feel like we're getting to a point where everyone is going their own ways.. I mean, I guess I should've seen it coming, but I didn't expect it to affect me like this. I wish we were the family that's gonna have 30 people over for Christmas day.. I don't even know if we're going to have a Christmas day at all here. And it's not about the presents. Sure, there are things I want.. but it's more about the thought of it.. the thought of sharing such a miraculous day with the ones you love. I just want to go back to the days when both my brothers were here and I had to force them to get up before 11 a.m. to open presents.. the time when I wouldn't let anyone cook breakfast or make coffee until we opened presents and busted out the home videos. I pray that I can find some peace in this new season and can enjoy the time with the loved ones I am close to and do have around me on this day.

On another note, I hate fighting. Especially when I have good intentions. I don't ever try and argue with people unless 1. I know I'm right or 2. I really care about the subject/person. In this case, it's number 2. I also hate that the day after you fight with someone, 50 things happen that you NEED to text them about but can't. I didn't say all of those things because I wanted to attack you or question your character or even judge the life you live, I did it because as a sister in Christ, I am called to love you like the Lord does and I felt that I needed to tell you the things I did. I know you may not agree with that or whatever, but I care about you and where you spend eternity and I also don't think that type of situation should get in the way of our friendship. I'm sorry if I've made your life complicated.

I need to keep reminding myself that the Lord takes care of me right where I'm at and not where I need to be. I know that He has my best interest at heart. Lord, please bring me peace this holiday season as I go through this time without some loved ones and in the midst of a broken friendship. Please keep your hand on those who cannot be here with us and those who don't know You this season.

Reoccurring Thoughts

There's something about the rain that gets me to thinking. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? What is college gonna be like? How is it possible that I am so blessed? Just different things that get me crying. I'm the type of girl who doesn't realize when things are ending until the new chapter has already begun, but in this case, I'm starting to. I am upset now, but I know I'll be more upset when I'm 196.2 miles away from this place. It's amazing to think about the blessings I've had for the past 18 years, and then realize that it's only the beginning. I know God wants to do unfathomable things in my life and I couldn't be more excited.

Speaking of God, I've read something someone wrote last night about their idea of God and how they feel. It made me want to explain God in my own words and define what He is to me because everyone's thoughts are different, so here's mine:

God doesn't want perfection, He wants progress. Some people think that God expects you to be perfect and He'll look down on you when you make mistakes and be ashamed of you. Those are the times when God loves you the most. He loves you in those times so that you can look towards Him for forgiveness and comfort. One thing I like about my church is that Toby (our senior pastor) is all about blessing and welcoming those people that some Christians wouldn't be seen with. I love it. Every person you meet is facing some sort of battle, and when it all comes down to it, they all want Jesus with skin on 'em. God LOVES us. That fact alone amazes me and the fact that he pursues me even when I don't pursue Him. He wants a relationship with me. And to define this whole 'relationship' between someone on earth and a heavenly father, here's how I would put it: God knows every step we make but He still wants to hear it from us. He just wants us to talk to Him.. about ANYTHING. Sometimes it does feel weird talking to yourself and I often talk about really ridiculous things, but it's building that relationship that will last for all eternity. I literally have conversations with God while I'm blowdrying my hair in the morning. He longs for us, and we should long for Him. There's a part in my favorite book (Captivating- all girls should read it!) that explains that there's a part in each and every one of our hearts that only God can fill. I'm sure we've all heard this at least once in our lifetimes.. but here's what amazed me-- There is also a part in God's heart that only I can fill. And only you can fill. And only your mom can fill. And everyone you know.. they ALL have a place in God's heart. That's what makes his love so BIG and unbelieveable! The entire religious aspect is all based around faith. Think of it as the center of religion. Faith: Believing without seeing. It's trusting that no matter where you go, whether it be the grocery store, a movie, anything.. He's always going to be right there with you. Not physically. But in spirit.. and that's what takes faith. I couldn't imagine going through the experiences in my life, happy and sad, without my God there beside me. It's like my own little comfort blanket or security guard. I know I'm not an all-knowing religious person, but I do know what I believe and what I have experienced. I might not always know what to say and I sure as heck don't know all the right answers, but I do know this.. There is a God that loves me all of my days, and that fact alone, is enough for me.

Two more things before I finish-- This is just a thought that has been rolling my thoughts for days. There are those who don't believe in God and there are some who do. Here's what I have to say to those who don't: When we die, and if there is no God, and ultimately you were correct.. What happens to us? Nothing. But what if we die and there is a God and I am the correct one? I go to heaven. It's a win, win for us believers. And you may say that if there really isn't a God that we will have wasted our lives worshipping someone who doesn't even exist.. Well, then we would have wasted our lives loving others, serving others, and giving to others.. And honestly, I dont find that as a waste at all. Think about it.

And lastly.. It's not about you. People say that they don't believe in God because God hasn't done anything amazing in their lives to make them believe that He is real. Sure, your life may stink, just really stink.. but God is going to use you to influence someone else's life, you just have to let Him. It's not about you. The whole concept of being a Christian is to pour love and kindness and service into the lives of others around you. The ones who need it most. People think that if you have God in your life, you will always be happy. I hate to disappoint those of you who think that, but.. you will be sad and you will fail.. but the thing about God is that He will use that failure and He will be right there with you to comfort you when you're in those states. He LOVES you. And the best part about it is that He loves us right where we are, not where we should be.

I love my church. Everything about it. Yesterday, we got dared to say yes to God. I LOVE this series we're in. At the end of the service, each family got a 50 dollar bill and over the next two weeks, we get to give that to someone in need. I am SO excited. I am the one in my family that gets to hold onto that 50 dollars and find someone who really needs it. This is the coolest thing! I can't wait to bless the life of someone over the next two weeks. I also can't wait to hear the stories of what the rest of the church family did with their money!

You guys are awesome.

lovelovelove

-B-

Thinking

I have these words from High School Musical stuck in my head. I know, I'm 18.. but they're just so perfect for the moment.

"It's our last chance to share the stage,

Before we go our separate ways.

High school wasn't meant to last forever.

It's our last chance for us to shine,

To bring you music one more time."

Tonight is the last night of the jazz show and my very last jazz show ever. I never knew I'd be so upset about it. It's really starting to become real to me, the fact that it's all coming to an end. I'm really going to miss performing and I'm in awe at the compliments I recieved last night about how comfortable I seemed on stage and how I should never stop performing.. and.. to be honest, it made me think. I know I'm not the best, but I love it. It's something that I never want to let go, and that's what is making this hard for me. I'm not going into music after high school and this is my last opportunity to shine. Maybe there's just other things going on too, but it's just all feeling so weird. I don't know how to handle it. I am filled with so many emotions and I don't know how it's all gonna turn out. Let's see.

Not a typical Sunday

I can't believe that I have been so busy on Sunday's for the past four Sunday's in a row. I hadn't gone to church in a whole month until today! I missed it. A lot. Toby talked about listening to God and how the thought of God speaking to us makes some uneasy, but the thought of him doing miracles is just normal. Long story short, we spent some time in silence, a chance for us to hear what He has been trying to tell us. To be honest, I always do feel nervous about moments like this. I get scared, not of what He will say, but that He won't say anything at all. I sat there in my seat with my head bowed and simply asked God, "What do you want me to know about myself that is keeping me from growing?"... I got an answer. Instantly. I had never felt more confident that it was actually God speaking to me. It was truly the first time. I won't say exactly what He said, but it has really changed my future. It has reassured me and helped me believe that I am good enough. Today was good. Really really good.

And so it begins..

The planning of college. Unfortunately, I didn't get into my dream school and number one choice. Surprisingly, I'm more than okay with it. I was upset, of course, but I know that once I get to Blinn, I'll realize why I'm not supposed to be at A&M quite yet. I trust in God enough to know that this Blinn is where I need to be. At least for a year. :) So, I'm very excited for this next chapter in my life.

The choir lock-in was last night and it was pretty fun! It's spring break! :) That's a good thing in itself. And I'm possibly going to look for apartments in College Station with the bff sometime this week! YAY! Basically, this week is much needed and MUCH appreciated! 

lovelovelove

-B-

Life changing.

I woke up this morning to check the A&M website. I do this every morning and at least 30 times throughout the day. It's my dream. It's all I've wanted to do since I saw my brother (and role model) attend A&M. So, I check the website to find that I have finally reached step 4! (Communicate Admissions Decision) Sounds good, right? Well I've heard that there's a link underneath that you can click and it will say if you got in or not. Mine didn't have the link. Everyone I know so far that has gotten in, had the link.

I guess we'll see in a few days.

To top it off, my mother was being a total debbie downer about it trying to prepare me for if I don't get in. I understand where she's coming from, and she doesn't want me to be disappointed... But I'm a big girl and I feel like this experience is definitely a once in a lifetime thing. I am going to be grateful no matter what. I know that I will still end up in a good place and get a good education. I have prayed about this for so long now and I've never wanted anything more in my life. It's thrilling but also frightening to know that my life is about to change. I am ready.

All I have to do is keep telling myself that God has a bigger plan than I have for myself.

lovelovelove

-B-

I went to church tonight.

It's not a very surprising thing since I am a "church-goer", if you will. I went to youth at the church that I've attended for five years now. I go every Sunday but for some reason, I've stopped going to youth there. It just isn't the same. But I went tonight. I couldn't tell you why, I just decided to. It's the most indescribable feeling to walk into a building that used to be your second home, and suddenly feel the opposite affect. That place used to be my life. I wouldn't have been a Christian if it weren't for the boy that changed my life and took me there (also the most wonderful boyfriend I've ever had) and that church in Keller. I've left marks in that church. I am forever a part of it. I'll explain one now. Please be prepared for juicy and grotesque details. :)

There was once a lock-in at church when I was in 8th grade and it was my first time to have an energy drink. While the older boys were out buying them, I decided to have coffee as well. (I'm NOT a coffee drinker. Never have been, never will be.) I had a huge cup of coffee with more sugars than I could count on two hands. I then proceeded to chug the energy drink BAWLS. Not a smart idea if I do say so myself. This then led to an "up-chuck" of the wonderful dinner I had at the 8th grade banquet. Mmm Mexican. I didn't exactly make it to the toilet.. close, but no cigar. So there is permanently some dried throw up on the wall in the upstairs girls bathroom of that church. Talk about leaving your mark!

I love it. Although it was weird going in tonight and realizing that all but two of the people have changed, deep down, I can still call it my second home. I miss it. And I actually had a lot of fun tonight meeting new peoplpe and enjoying those surroundings again. It was a good experience. I'm probably make more out of it than I should, but I guess that's just who I am.

I guess I can start complaining now. Isn't that what these are for? To vent? Well.. Here you go:

I consider myself one of the most impatient people I know. Others know it too. I've decided that waiting to hear back from a college might be the toughest experience an impatient person, like myself can go through. I don't think A&M realizes that about me. I am so anxious. I've never wanted anything so much in my life. I feel like everyone else is finding this out except for me. I'm ready. Just let me know.

Okay. That's my rant. :( 

So please A&M, do me a favor and be quicker! :) Thank You.

lovelovelove

-B-

Birthday?

I always get so excited for them, but then when the actual day comes around.. it is surreal. I don't know why birthdays never feel like normal days... It's not even that they are better than regular days, it feels like I'm living my life in a different place. Basically, I don't know what I'm talking about.. but I guess in about 52 minutes I'll feel that way. Woot.

I like them... I just always hype it up so much and expect so much and analyze everything that when it never goes the way I expect, I am disappointed. Story of my life. But we'll see. I'm pretty excited about 18.

Yayay.

lovelovelove

-B-

Arithmetic

I love new music. I love the mellow songs that take me back to when I was a little girl and so carefree in this careless world. I especially love the ones that take you back. It's relaxing and in some way comforting to hear such songs and rejoice in the fact that I can take the time to relax, if only for a second. I feel like my life is changing every day, and every day is something completely new and unpredictable. I guess I'm over the whole "existing, not living" phase that was explained in my last post. I feel different. I can't exactly put my finger on it... but I'm ready for change. The time is now.

"I've been counting up all my wrongs 

One sorry for each star 

See I'd apologize my way to you 

If the heavens stretched that far 

You are the one I want, you are the one I want

When the years are showing on my face

And my strongest days are gone

When my heart and flesh depart this place

From a life that sung your song

You'll still be the one I want, you'll still be the one I want"

lovelovelove

-B-

I've been thinking..

Sometimes I get into such a routine way of doing things that I get to the point where I feel like I'm just existing and not really living. I want to live my life, not just exist on this earth with no purpose or passion. I kind of feel that way now. It doesn't last for long, but it's just a little reality check every once in a while that's like, "Hey Bianca! Wake up and do something different. Do something with your life to get me off auto-pilot. Kthnx." Maybe I need to listen to that voice quicker than just settling for a while and being so apathetic. But this isn't saying that I'm not happy. I'm just bored with life at the moment and I need to pick it up in the next few days cause I'm turning 18 on Sunday! That's a reason to dance. :) 

I highlighted my hair last night. I don't really like it that much because it's the inbetween color between extreme dark brown and super blonde. It's almost like a golden color and it's yuckyyy. So if you see me, you don't have to tell me you like it if you don't. Ha. But it takes a few times to get it back to its blondness :) So, soon enough it'll back to blonde goodness!

"Remember that with each sunrise comes new opportunities. Today offers a clean slate upon which to record your life... and your legacy."

lovelovelove

-B-

Ha.

I just looked at the title of my last blog and it made me laugh because I am procrastinating RIGHT now. I have been sitting here and a lot of different places in the house for the last 8 hours exactly! I've been "attempting" my dual paper that's due tomorrow. HA! It's only 600 words..? Could I be a little more retarded? I just don't like doing things. Gah. I'm so ridiculous.

Whatevs. I have my own way of doing things.

Deal.

lovelovelove

-B-

Procrastination

Basically the story of my life. I really hate that I don't get things done. I've realized that it's only things that I don't understand. If it's something easy, like vocab, I'll do it instantly.. But if it's dumb Brit Lit then I put it off completely, well actually, don't do it at all. I need to start being a better student. I say that a lot. Maybe one day I'll learn...

Other than that, I'm pretty content and can't really complain about much. GOING TO NYC THIS WEEKEND! I haven't been in over a year and I'm excited for this weekend trip! Yay. I'm sure it'll basically by my little birthday present from my parents because I'll be buying so many things! Haha. So, that's cool. I'm excited about turning 18 in just two weeks. I feel like you can do so much when you're 18. I mean, I will be able to buy spray paint! It's basically great. So I'm SUPER excited. I love birthdays! 

But yeah... I'm gonna actually do my dual homework now and then get a head start on my paper that's due Monday. Woot for being productive! Wish me luck in this journey of becoming a better student :)

Life Decisions

I've been thinking lately about the rest of my life.. especially about what my career is going to be. It's something I can't stop thinking about because I know that college is coming up so soon. I know so many people that already know what they want to do with the rest of their lives and I feel like I'm behind on the decision train... I know a few things that'd be cool and everything, but I just don't feel like God has given me my mission yet. He hasn't showen me what my calling is yet and I'm scared that I won't know soon enough. I realize that I don't need to know super soon because I'm pretty much gonna be taking core classes the first year anyway.. but I just wanna know and be comfortable in my decision. So, I guess I'll just keep praying that God shows me my calling soon so that I can go in the direction he's leading me. I'm excited for God to show me what I am meant to do. All I know now is that I want to help other people and I want to be happy with whatever I do. 

lovelovelove

-B-

A Few Saturday Thoughts

I love days like these, even if they make me feel like I'm the most unproductive person on the face of the earth. I like relaxing. I kind of wish I was more of that 'LETS GO OUT AND ADVENTURE AND HAVE A LOT OF FUN EVERYDAY' person. I guess I can be like that sometimes, but other times I just loooove to hang out inside. I'm trying to be more of that person, especially after seeing Yes Man. Maybe it's dumb to be inspired by a movie like that... but I was. Don't judge me :) So I thought it was pretty cool to take opportunities like that (maybe not ALL opportunities) but the good ones, and it has really made my life more interesting.

My bestfriend Lauren and I have started a list of things that we've never done that we want to do before we go away to college. Not like, HUUUUGE things, but just fun random things like sitting on a rooftop, salsa dancing at Gloria's, donut someone, etc. We do new things almost every time we're together. I love it :) So, I guess I just want to spice it up a bit and be more adventurous and not lame.

On another note.. I'm happier than I've ever been before. I mean, not all the time.. but most of the time I am. It's weird that things can change like this because I decided to do the one thing I never thought I could do... Let go. I am so much happier and I don't think I could have had this strength if I hadn't chosen to let go. Another thing that I didn't realize has changed me is my 21 day fast that ends TOMORROW! yay for bread, sweets, & caffeine again! :) but this fast has helped me turn more towards God than towards food when I need help. It's like.. If I need some toast to start my day, my fast has been the chance for me to trust God to get my day started. God loves me and my heart. I have grown from this experience, seeing as it has been my first fast. It was quite difficult, but completely worth it. It's fun to challenge yourself and to make promises to yourself that you KNOW will be impossible to break beacuse if you do, you'll feel completely guilty. I'm proud of myself and the past 20 days. I found out something during this fast that I know I couldn't have handled well if I hadn't been in this state in my life. It really helped me with handling news I never thought I'd be able to feel happy about. Instead of drowning in tears, I was filled with joy. I am so happy that I felt this way and I knew it had to be because of everything I'd done when I let go of the person and things that were holding me back.

I'm thankful for the new year and the new opportunities I'm going to be able to have.

lovelovelove

-B-

One day..

One day you're gonna want that girl.
That girl that knew she wasn't perfect, but tried to be perfect for you.
The girl that believed the scraps of you she was given were worth it, because something was better than nothing.
That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and liking you was the only way she could.
The girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths.
That girl who still can't bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it.
That girl who saw past your pretty eyes and treasured parts of you that no one else has ever appreciated. 

The girl who realizes she may never have your heart, but will carry you in hers.

The girl that should have you, but doesn't.. Even though she deserves it.

love love love

-B-

first blog. oh boy!

so.. this is a new thing for me. my brother thought it would be a good idea for me to get into blogging because it's a good way to share your emotions and everything.. and since im on the computer enough as it is.. it was just another thing i could do on it. everything is pretty great right now. im more blessed than i could ever imagine. it's incredible. im on day 14 of my 21 day fast of bread, caffeine, & sweets. it's gotten pretty difficult the past couple of days because i have been cravvvving chocolate. boo. but it's worth it. i guess i dont have anything crazy emotional to talk about or vent about. haha. but maybe someday soon, i will.

:)

love love love

-B-