Love/hate

I sometimes hate that the Lord is so forgiving. I hate that I mess up so much. I hate that although I am a sinner, the Lord keeps embracing me back into his arms. Sounds kind of ironic or... idiotic. I guess I'm mostly afraid. Afraid that one day I'll run out of "I'm sorry" or "I need Your forgiveness" and that He'll start saying "You've really done it this time" and "I don't know how to forget about this". I hate that I can be so awful and do things that even I, myself, are ashamed to admit... yet He sees me just as beautiful and lovable as always. It's kind of a love/hate relationship that I have with His forgiveness. If I try to imagine what my life would be without his neverending grace and his unfathomable love for me, I honestly can't see myself. I can't see any aspect of who I am. I would be nothing. Through all of this doubt I have with myself and my Lord... I know one thing for certain. He is, just as my earthly father is, ready to embrace me after I've served Him wrong. He yearns for me to make things right again. My daddy does that too. He sees that I make a mistake, he let's me know I made a mistake (usually more than once), and he gives me a chance to repent and correct it. Some can agree when I say that most of the time, I don't feel worthy of His love. The love that can move mountains, make miracles, or even His love for a nobody like me. But that's just the thing.. I'm not a nobody. In my favorite book (Captivating), it explains how there's a spot in everyone's heart that only the Lord can fill. I've heard that plenty of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But... what never seizes to break my heart is that there's also a place in God's heart that only I can fill. Me. The one who forgets to pray at night before going to bed. The one who cut someone off while driving to class. The one who selfishly does only what I want to do, and doesn't look at others opinions. And He is still waiting for me at the cross. He is waiting to embrace me, and all of you. He wants to forgive us. Again, love/hate relationship. There definitely is a part that I love. I remember countless pictures that I have of my dad and I asleep on the recliner in our old house. I'm laying on his chest. Him, probably snoring. The pictures are endless. Although I don't remember those moments, I cherish those pictures. Still to this day, I go home, away from the college life and I snuggle up next to my parents on our recliner. Seeing their love for me and how they just want for me to succeed and do what I love makes me realize that they are truly loving me like Christ does. So now, almost 19 (in one week!), I go to bed at night, not daydreaming of a cute boy cuddled up next to me.. but of my Heavenly Father embracing me in his arms just as my earthly father has always done. The Lord wants that from us. He wants us to run back to Him, sit in his lap, and ask for His forgiveness. He is waiting.

"I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in his arms.

And in the arms of my dear Savior.. Oh, there are ten thousand charms."