be free.

Aside from growing pains, puberty, and realizing I'm not as cool as I think I am, this season I'm in now is the most uncomfortable and unfortunate. I have never felt so out of place before. You know how everyone says that guys are "all about the chase"? And once they catch the girl, they are just complacent? Nothing else to work towards? Nothing to keep them interested? Well, I feel that way right now. About... everything. Mostly school and the fact that I'm finally where I have been wanting to be since the fourth grade. FOURTH GRADE. I made it. I'm here. I'm doing the thing that I dreamed of doing. I'm in the place that fills me with so much joy. And what am I doing with all of these great experiences and opportunities? Throwing them away. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not proud of it and there is no way to go back and change the way I handled my schoolwork, priorities, health, or anything this past semester. It's about to come to a close and I've realized that I've learned nothing. If anything, I've learned everything to not do. I don't mean to be all down and negative about this situation, but isn't that what blogs are for? :)

It's been a tough realization to come to, but I never thought that I was this lazy. Laziness. It consumes me. I like to do things though. I'm all about seeing people, spending time at coffee shops, and going to the next ASC event or meeting. But school? No. I came into this semester overestimating myself and completely underestimating my God. I didn't give this semester to Him. This semester is all my plan, not His. I thought I could be involved in more than one time-consuming activity and still do well in all of my classes. FALSE. I thought I could do everything. I partially think that this is the Pastrana in me. My family has this unconscious belief that we are all superheroes. I'm sure of it. We think we can do more than our body can handle... but most of the time, we pull it off. The point is, it's hard to end a semester and look back and only see the mistakes. It went by too fast and it was hard. Not just the classes, but my heart towards them was hard. I didn't go to class because I got an "I don't care about anything" attitude. This is the last thing I want and I hate that I have gotten to this point. I even think that I am smarter than my professors sometimes. Obviously, that's not true. Or else I'd be doing really well in all of my classes.

I don't know what the Lord is trying to teach me through this huge struggle, but it's making me doubt a lot. I try not to doubt Him, so instead, I doubt myself. Am I smart enough to even go to A&M? I'm still trying to figure that one out. I mean, I got in. They wanted me. There is a reason that I'm here. I have a purpose. I know that much, but that's about it. Maybe my time here is up. That thought keeps going through my head. I don't know if that's just me chickening out or trying to avoid my problems... or maybe it's a good idea. Sometimes I don't feel like I can grow here. I feel like I'm in too much of a bubble, or as some peolpe would say, "cult". I love our little cult, but I don't know if it's good for me right now. I feel like there's so much more I can do with myself and I feel like I'm too bottled up here. After being home for thanksgiving, it made me feel like I should be closer. These are just ideas. Not like I would ever truly want to leave A&M. My heart would break. I would probably cry every day. Not. gonna. lie. But, if it's part of the Lord's plan, I'll go. I'm just patiently waiting for Him to lead me to the understanding of what He has been trying to teach me this semester. I've ran to so many other things the past few months and I'm ready to run to Him.