I spent my whole life being "too much". I would say too much and people would know my whole life story within five minutes of knowing me (whether they wanted to or not). After hearing the words "too much" way too often, I decided to change. I have also never been a happy medium girl. I am always one extreme or the other. Super dark hair, or bleach blonde hair. Playing every sport, or not playing any. I went the other way. I changed without even knowing it, and only because I was told that sharing was wrong. No boy would ever like me if I wasn't mysterious. Boys like the chase, they don't want to know everything about you right away. I guess it's true. But it took a good six or more years for me to realize that the other extreme isn't right either. I thought that if I wasn't sharing every thought I had every moment I had it, I was okay. It turned out to be me not being authentic, keeping all of my secrets inside, and holding onto baggage that I was never supposed to carry alone.
It wasn't until the beginning months of 2011 that I sat down for the first time with a counselor who looked me straight in the face and said, "You are an emotional stuffer. That is not healthy. At all. Did you know that?" The answer was no. I didn't have any knowledge of it and I have struggled since then to be able to feel. I am thankfully able to be authentic with the girls around me on my life struggles. Things that are overall huge pains and bondage that I am dealing with. And that is good. I don't undermine the growth that I've experienced by just being able to do that, but it's the day to day emotions that I forget. I am so numb to feeling that I don't even think about the fact that I don't think about how I feel. Then one day the simpliest thing can upset me, and it feels like every burden I've carried for months is weighing me down because I didn't deal with it at the time it started. I constantly feel like Cameron Diaz in the movie The Holiday because I cannot cry. Ever. And if I do, it's never for anything important. It's over something so miniscule that I would laugh at myself the next day for even making such a scene. I want to feel again. I want to be able to cry when someone makes me upset. I want to be okay with not being okay.