Back to reality

It has been a little over a week since I've been home from New Mexico. Am I excited to be home? Honestly, no. I feel like a part of me is missing every morning when I wake up. I truly didn't think it would affect me this way, but it has. This summer brought so many trials, convictions, and frustrations to my life. Most of the time I felt like I was taking two steps in the wrong direction. I can't say it was always easy, but I can say that it was worth it. If I had the choice, I would go back and do it all over again. The heartaches, the crying, the fighting, the lack of sleep, all of it. It was one of those situations where the good always outweighed the bad. It was amazing how the Lord worked in me while I was there trying to become a servant. I learned more about myself during those three months than I have in the last year. Truthfully, not all good things... and most are things that I need to fix, but I am thankful that the Lord revealed those characteristics to me so that I can make that change and become the woman of the Lord that He has called me to be. Would I recommend everyone to go somewhere unfamiliar for three months and serve? Absolutely. 100%. Go! I wouldn't change those experiences for the anything.

So, I'm back. Waiting for the next thrilling adventure in my life. So far the only thing that has happened is my speeding ticket. Therefore, I am currently in the midst of defensive driving and my room still looks like a tornado. Goal-- leave in the next 4-5 hours to go back to College Station. That's an adventure in itself! But even still, I can't help but be thankful for the opportunity to be going back to school, living with three amazing girls, and getting more involved in Aggie Sisters for Christ. As hard as my life is while I struggle with sin, frustration, and fear... the Lord is good. I know that He has an amazing plan for this school year. I know it and I can't wait to see what He brings forth. I wish I was a good writer and could write some heartfelt blog about how awesome He is.. but that's all there is to it. He is wonderful and just. He is always on time, even when we think He has forgotten. I take that for granted a lot of the time and wish things could go my way even though when I take matters into my own hands, my world turns upside down. I am holding steadfast to the Truth and ready to take on some thrilling adventures this year!

"Lord, if You have something else planned, take Your dreams and run with it."




Gig 'Em and God Bless!

Glorieta

I don't even know where to begin. I have had so many happy, sad, frustrating, exhilarating, amazing, and stressful times in the past two weeks in New Mexico. Luckily, all of the good has cancelled out the bad. I am amazed that I have the opportunity to be here this summer and serve the Lord wholeheartedly. I honestly have to check myself everyday and pray that the Lord will give me His strength because I rarely have any of my own. Let's just say that it is TOUGH waking up at 5 a.m. every morning. I am now very understanding of people who go to sleep early :) The Lord has been working in my heart and in my actions as I meet new people and examine my attitude towards them. I wish I could fit all of my experiences into one blog, but it would literally take forever. However, there is one experience that I believe is blog-worthy.

Recently, I had the amazing opportunity to go to Santa Fe to talk/feed/hang out with homeless people that hang out in the plaza. Out of my comfort zone? Yes. (side note, I feel like when you’re out of your comfort zone, you always end up with the best stories/experiences). I walked up to a freckled man named Virgil who was covered in tattoos and whose teeth were barely noticeable. For some reason, I still found him very approachable. We started talking about his life and past mistakes he’s made and how he lives day to day. We discussed the difference between being happy and being joyful. We agreed that happiness can change but a joyful person is joyful no matter the circumstance. I told him about James 1:2-4 where it talks about being joyful through the testing of your faith because It produces steadfastness. He listened. We got to talking about culture, different states, weather, and most of all, history. I was in awe at his knowledge of dates and historical events that I’ve never even heard of. He told me about all the cruel people in the world and how he moved west once 9/11 happened. We spoke about his travels and his kids (who he doesn’t keep in touch with anymore). We eventually got to talking about the afterlife. I was somewhat nervous about his reaction to my upbringing of the topic, but he was very easy-going. Virgil believes in reincarnation. Not just in the idea of it, but that he has lived two lives prior this one. I listened intently to him telling me how he remembers dying in the Civil War, coming back again and dying from pneumonia as an 11 year old boy, and now… a homeless man in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I was amazed. He then said, “Who knows, maybe I’ll come back as you.” Crazy. Then he started discussing how the only thing you need to do in life is be good and don’t harm people. I told him about Jesus. He didn’t condemn me. In fact, he was very happy for the life I lived and we had a nice discussion. He talked about history and I talked about religion. It was perfect. Although he did mention he was a “tough cookie to crack” (boy, he was), I still loved every minute of our conversation. He was so open to my ideas and every time he stopped a sentence, I would smile, then he would smile, and I’d ask another question. I didn’t think I’d ever have the guts to spend an evening with someone who literally thought they were from another world, but praise the Lord I did. Did I mention his belief in aliens? And that he has read the bible cover to cover twice? He believes that if you read deeper, you can notice hints about aliens in the books of Isaiah and Revelation. Tomorrow, I’m going to read into that and see. I think his beliefs are interesting and I want to see what he sees. At the end of our talk, I was able to pray for him and his heart. I walked away and immediately wanted to run back and hug him. I literally had to hold in my tears because I just wanted to sit there with him all night. Virgil has been on my mind and heart since then and that time we spent together will forever be a part of me.

My heart was broken. My heart IS broken. There are so many lost people and I never take the time to step back and see the bigger picture. I feel like I live my life with my nose stuck to the photograh. I can barely even see anything. But the Lord gently pulls away the picture and holds it out so that he can see every bit of it. I wish I could be that way, but I am not the perfect and almighty God that died so that we could live free. That experience just brought me back to the reason why I’m really here. Love others. Get out of your comfort zone and do something crazy for the Lord. I feel like I spend so much time being distracted by the people here and the boys and making sure I have someone to hang out with rather than intentionally loving on people for the greater good. I want to advance the Kingdom one life at a time, one day at a time. And I feel like I forget that I have that opportunity every single day. Not just because I’m here in Glorieta, but even when I go home. I am a disciple of God cleverly disguised as a High Point Staffer and I want to impact people. I want to be that girl who sees things differently than everyone else. That’s what makes people beautiful. Beautiful people are joyful and know that the joy of the Lord is their strength. They choose to sing hallelujah no matter the circumstance. I am praying for all the staffers here and everyone back home. I pray that this summer is one that brings changes, challenges, and most of all, advancement of the Kingdom. I pray that the Lord is constantly changing my heart and the hearts of those around me. Break us, Lord and help us to look more like You as we love others and give You all the glory.

Untitled

I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just know I want to do it. I want to see the world. I want to meet every single person breathing on this earth. I want to give everyone a hug or a handshake and I want to make someone’s life a little easier. I want to be different than the people I know because that’s what makes us beautiful. I want to be absolutely ridiculous before I die. I don’t want regrets. I want to stand for something

Love/hate

I sometimes hate that the Lord is so forgiving. I hate that I mess up so much. I hate that although I am a sinner, the Lord keeps embracing me back into his arms. Sounds kind of ironic or... idiotic. I guess I'm mostly afraid. Afraid that one day I'll run out of "I'm sorry" or "I need Your forgiveness" and that He'll start saying "You've really done it this time" and "I don't know how to forget about this". I hate that I can be so awful and do things that even I, myself, are ashamed to admit... yet He sees me just as beautiful and lovable as always. It's kind of a love/hate relationship that I have with His forgiveness. If I try to imagine what my life would be without his neverending grace and his unfathomable love for me, I honestly can't see myself. I can't see any aspect of who I am. I would be nothing. Through all of this doubt I have with myself and my Lord... I know one thing for certain. He is, just as my earthly father is, ready to embrace me after I've served Him wrong. He yearns for me to make things right again. My daddy does that too. He sees that I make a mistake, he let's me know I made a mistake (usually more than once), and he gives me a chance to repent and correct it. Some can agree when I say that most of the time, I don't feel worthy of His love. The love that can move mountains, make miracles, or even His love for a nobody like me. But that's just the thing.. I'm not a nobody. In my favorite book (Captivating), it explains how there's a spot in everyone's heart that only the Lord can fill. I've heard that plenty of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But... what never seizes to break my heart is that there's also a place in God's heart that only I can fill. Me. The one who forgets to pray at night before going to bed. The one who cut someone off while driving to class. The one who selfishly does only what I want to do, and doesn't look at others opinions. And He is still waiting for me at the cross. He is waiting to embrace me, and all of you. He wants to forgive us. Again, love/hate relationship. There definitely is a part that I love. I remember countless pictures that I have of my dad and I asleep on the recliner in our old house. I'm laying on his chest. Him, probably snoring. The pictures are endless. Although I don't remember those moments, I cherish those pictures. Still to this day, I go home, away from the college life and I snuggle up next to my parents on our recliner. Seeing their love for me and how they just want for me to succeed and do what I love makes me realize that they are truly loving me like Christ does. So now, almost 19 (in one week!), I go to bed at night, not daydreaming of a cute boy cuddled up next to me.. but of my Heavenly Father embracing me in his arms just as my earthly father has always done. The Lord wants that from us. He wants us to run back to Him, sit in his lap, and ask for His forgiveness. He is waiting.

"I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in his arms.

And in the arms of my dear Savior.. Oh, there are ten thousand charms."

Home for the Holidays...

My brother just got married. I honestly couldn't be happier for him, especially because I love my new sister-in-law and the rest of her family as well. Although, it got me to thinking about how things are changing. The holidays won't be the same anymore. I have to share him... for the rest of my life. They're in Jamaica now for their honeymoon and won't be here for Christmas and part of me is kind of torn up about it. My mom keeps telling me that I'm turning into a 10 year old again because I want this Christmas to be normal.. but I think it's cause my family has never really been the type to eat a giant feast on Christmas day, have a big get together with all of our outside family, or even form some kind of tradition. It's never really bothered me before this year and I don't know why I all the sudden feel like family time during the holidays is so important. I love my family and I wish there were more opportunities for us to celebrate together and I feel like we're getting to a point where everyone is going their own ways.. I mean, I guess I should've seen it coming, but I didn't expect it to affect me like this. I wish we were the family that's gonna have 30 people over for Christmas day.. I don't even know if we're going to have a Christmas day at all here. And it's not about the presents. Sure, there are things I want.. but it's more about the thought of it.. the thought of sharing such a miraculous day with the ones you love. I just want to go back to the days when both my brothers were here and I had to force them to get up before 11 a.m. to open presents.. the time when I wouldn't let anyone cook breakfast or make coffee until we opened presents and busted out the home videos. I pray that I can find some peace in this new season and can enjoy the time with the loved ones I am close to and do have around me on this day.

On another note, I hate fighting. Especially when I have good intentions. I don't ever try and argue with people unless 1. I know I'm right or 2. I really care about the subject/person. In this case, it's number 2. I also hate that the day after you fight with someone, 50 things happen that you NEED to text them about but can't. I didn't say all of those things because I wanted to attack you or question your character or even judge the life you live, I did it because as a sister in Christ, I am called to love you like the Lord does and I felt that I needed to tell you the things I did. I know you may not agree with that or whatever, but I care about you and where you spend eternity and I also don't think that type of situation should get in the way of our friendship. I'm sorry if I've made your life complicated.

I need to keep reminding myself that the Lord takes care of me right where I'm at and not where I need to be. I know that He has my best interest at heart. Lord, please bring me peace this holiday season as I go through this time without some loved ones and in the midst of a broken friendship. Please keep your hand on those who cannot be here with us and those who don't know You this season.

Reoccurring Thoughts

There's something about the rain that gets me to thinking. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? What is college gonna be like? How is it possible that I am so blessed? Just different things that get me crying. I'm the type of girl who doesn't realize when things are ending until the new chapter has already begun, but in this case, I'm starting to. I am upset now, but I know I'll be more upset when I'm 196.2 miles away from this place. It's amazing to think about the blessings I've had for the past 18 years, and then realize that it's only the beginning. I know God wants to do unfathomable things in my life and I couldn't be more excited.

Speaking of God, I've read something someone wrote last night about their idea of God and how they feel. It made me want to explain God in my own words and define what He is to me because everyone's thoughts are different, so here's mine:

God doesn't want perfection, He wants progress. Some people think that God expects you to be perfect and He'll look down on you when you make mistakes and be ashamed of you. Those are the times when God loves you the most. He loves you in those times so that you can look towards Him for forgiveness and comfort. One thing I like about my church is that Toby (our senior pastor) is all about blessing and welcoming those people that some Christians wouldn't be seen with. I love it. Every person you meet is facing some sort of battle, and when it all comes down to it, they all want Jesus with skin on 'em. God LOVES us. That fact alone amazes me and the fact that he pursues me even when I don't pursue Him. He wants a relationship with me. And to define this whole 'relationship' between someone on earth and a heavenly father, here's how I would put it: God knows every step we make but He still wants to hear it from us. He just wants us to talk to Him.. about ANYTHING. Sometimes it does feel weird talking to yourself and I often talk about really ridiculous things, but it's building that relationship that will last for all eternity. I literally have conversations with God while I'm blowdrying my hair in the morning. He longs for us, and we should long for Him. There's a part in my favorite book (Captivating- all girls should read it!) that explains that there's a part in each and every one of our hearts that only God can fill. I'm sure we've all heard this at least once in our lifetimes.. but here's what amazed me-- There is also a part in God's heart that only I can fill. And only you can fill. And only your mom can fill. And everyone you know.. they ALL have a place in God's heart. That's what makes his love so BIG and unbelieveable! The entire religious aspect is all based around faith. Think of it as the center of religion. Faith: Believing without seeing. It's trusting that no matter where you go, whether it be the grocery store, a movie, anything.. He's always going to be right there with you. Not physically. But in spirit.. and that's what takes faith. I couldn't imagine going through the experiences in my life, happy and sad, without my God there beside me. It's like my own little comfort blanket or security guard. I know I'm not an all-knowing religious person, but I do know what I believe and what I have experienced. I might not always know what to say and I sure as heck don't know all the right answers, but I do know this.. There is a God that loves me all of my days, and that fact alone, is enough for me.

Two more things before I finish-- This is just a thought that has been rolling my thoughts for days. There are those who don't believe in God and there are some who do. Here's what I have to say to those who don't: When we die, and if there is no God, and ultimately you were correct.. What happens to us? Nothing. But what if we die and there is a God and I am the correct one? I go to heaven. It's a win, win for us believers. And you may say that if there really isn't a God that we will have wasted our lives worshipping someone who doesn't even exist.. Well, then we would have wasted our lives loving others, serving others, and giving to others.. And honestly, I dont find that as a waste at all. Think about it.

And lastly.. It's not about you. People say that they don't believe in God because God hasn't done anything amazing in their lives to make them believe that He is real. Sure, your life may stink, just really stink.. but God is going to use you to influence someone else's life, you just have to let Him. It's not about you. The whole concept of being a Christian is to pour love and kindness and service into the lives of others around you. The ones who need it most. People think that if you have God in your life, you will always be happy. I hate to disappoint those of you who think that, but.. you will be sad and you will fail.. but the thing about God is that He will use that failure and He will be right there with you to comfort you when you're in those states. He LOVES you. And the best part about it is that He loves us right where we are, not where we should be.

I love my church. Everything about it. Yesterday, we got dared to say yes to God. I LOVE this series we're in. At the end of the service, each family got a 50 dollar bill and over the next two weeks, we get to give that to someone in need. I am SO excited. I am the one in my family that gets to hold onto that 50 dollars and find someone who really needs it. This is the coolest thing! I can't wait to bless the life of someone over the next two weeks. I also can't wait to hear the stories of what the rest of the church family did with their money!

You guys are awesome.

lovelovelove

-B-

Thinking

I have these words from High School Musical stuck in my head. I know, I'm 18.. but they're just so perfect for the moment.

"It's our last chance to share the stage,

Before we go our separate ways.

High school wasn't meant to last forever.

It's our last chance for us to shine,

To bring you music one more time."

Tonight is the last night of the jazz show and my very last jazz show ever. I never knew I'd be so upset about it. It's really starting to become real to me, the fact that it's all coming to an end. I'm really going to miss performing and I'm in awe at the compliments I recieved last night about how comfortable I seemed on stage and how I should never stop performing.. and.. to be honest, it made me think. I know I'm not the best, but I love it. It's something that I never want to let go, and that's what is making this hard for me. I'm not going into music after high school and this is my last opportunity to shine. Maybe there's just other things going on too, but it's just all feeling so weird. I don't know how to handle it. I am filled with so many emotions and I don't know how it's all gonna turn out. Let's see.