Reoccurring Thoughts

There's something about the rain that gets me to thinking. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? What is college gonna be like? How is it possible that I am so blessed? Just different things that get me crying. I'm the type of girl who doesn't realize when things are ending until the new chapter has already begun, but in this case, I'm starting to. I am upset now, but I know I'll be more upset when I'm 196.2 miles away from this place. It's amazing to think about the blessings I've had for the past 18 years, and then realize that it's only the beginning. I know God wants to do unfathomable things in my life and I couldn't be more excited.

Speaking of God, I've read something someone wrote last night about their idea of God and how they feel. It made me want to explain God in my own words and define what He is to me because everyone's thoughts are different, so here's mine:

God doesn't want perfection, He wants progress. Some people think that God expects you to be perfect and He'll look down on you when you make mistakes and be ashamed of you. Those are the times when God loves you the most. He loves you in those times so that you can look towards Him for forgiveness and comfort. One thing I like about my church is that Toby (our senior pastor) is all about blessing and welcoming those people that some Christians wouldn't be seen with. I love it. Every person you meet is facing some sort of battle, and when it all comes down to it, they all want Jesus with skin on 'em. God LOVES us. That fact alone amazes me and the fact that he pursues me even when I don't pursue Him. He wants a relationship with me. And to define this whole 'relationship' between someone on earth and a heavenly father, here's how I would put it: God knows every step we make but He still wants to hear it from us. He just wants us to talk to Him.. about ANYTHING. Sometimes it does feel weird talking to yourself and I often talk about really ridiculous things, but it's building that relationship that will last for all eternity. I literally have conversations with God while I'm blowdrying my hair in the morning. He longs for us, and we should long for Him. There's a part in my favorite book (Captivating- all girls should read it!) that explains that there's a part in each and every one of our hearts that only God can fill. I'm sure we've all heard this at least once in our lifetimes.. but here's what amazed me-- There is also a part in God's heart that only I can fill. And only you can fill. And only your mom can fill. And everyone you know.. they ALL have a place in God's heart. That's what makes his love so BIG and unbelieveable! The entire religious aspect is all based around faith. Think of it as the center of religion. Faith: Believing without seeing. It's trusting that no matter where you go, whether it be the grocery store, a movie, anything.. He's always going to be right there with you. Not physically. But in spirit.. and that's what takes faith. I couldn't imagine going through the experiences in my life, happy and sad, without my God there beside me. It's like my own little comfort blanket or security guard. I know I'm not an all-knowing religious person, but I do know what I believe and what I have experienced. I might not always know what to say and I sure as heck don't know all the right answers, but I do know this.. There is a God that loves me all of my days, and that fact alone, is enough for me.

Two more things before I finish-- This is just a thought that has been rolling my thoughts for days. There are those who don't believe in God and there are some who do. Here's what I have to say to those who don't: When we die, and if there is no God, and ultimately you were correct.. What happens to us? Nothing. But what if we die and there is a God and I am the correct one? I go to heaven. It's a win, win for us believers. And you may say that if there really isn't a God that we will have wasted our lives worshipping someone who doesn't even exist.. Well, then we would have wasted our lives loving others, serving others, and giving to others.. And honestly, I dont find that as a waste at all. Think about it.

And lastly.. It's not about you. People say that they don't believe in God because God hasn't done anything amazing in their lives to make them believe that He is real. Sure, your life may stink, just really stink.. but God is going to use you to influence someone else's life, you just have to let Him. It's not about you. The whole concept of being a Christian is to pour love and kindness and service into the lives of others around you. The ones who need it most. People think that if you have God in your life, you will always be happy. I hate to disappoint those of you who think that, but.. you will be sad and you will fail.. but the thing about God is that He will use that failure and He will be right there with you to comfort you when you're in those states. He LOVES you. And the best part about it is that He loves us right where we are, not where we should be.

I love my church. Everything about it. Yesterday, we got dared to say yes to God. I LOVE this series we're in. At the end of the service, each family got a 50 dollar bill and over the next two weeks, we get to give that to someone in need. I am SO excited. I am the one in my family that gets to hold onto that 50 dollars and find someone who really needs it. This is the coolest thing! I can't wait to bless the life of someone over the next two weeks. I also can't wait to hear the stories of what the rest of the church family did with their money!

You guys are awesome.

lovelovelove

-B-

Thinking

I have these words from High School Musical stuck in my head. I know, I'm 18.. but they're just so perfect for the moment.

"It's our last chance to share the stage,

Before we go our separate ways.

High school wasn't meant to last forever.

It's our last chance for us to shine,

To bring you music one more time."

Tonight is the last night of the jazz show and my very last jazz show ever. I never knew I'd be so upset about it. It's really starting to become real to me, the fact that it's all coming to an end. I'm really going to miss performing and I'm in awe at the compliments I recieved last night about how comfortable I seemed on stage and how I should never stop performing.. and.. to be honest, it made me think. I know I'm not the best, but I love it. It's something that I never want to let go, and that's what is making this hard for me. I'm not going into music after high school and this is my last opportunity to shine. Maybe there's just other things going on too, but it's just all feeling so weird. I don't know how to handle it. I am filled with so many emotions and I don't know how it's all gonna turn out. Let's see.

Not a typical Sunday

I can't believe that I have been so busy on Sunday's for the past four Sunday's in a row. I hadn't gone to church in a whole month until today! I missed it. A lot. Toby talked about listening to God and how the thought of God speaking to us makes some uneasy, but the thought of him doing miracles is just normal. Long story short, we spent some time in silence, a chance for us to hear what He has been trying to tell us. To be honest, I always do feel nervous about moments like this. I get scared, not of what He will say, but that He won't say anything at all. I sat there in my seat with my head bowed and simply asked God, "What do you want me to know about myself that is keeping me from growing?"... I got an answer. Instantly. I had never felt more confident that it was actually God speaking to me. It was truly the first time. I won't say exactly what He said, but it has really changed my future. It has reassured me and helped me believe that I am good enough. Today was good. Really really good.

And so it begins..

The planning of college. Unfortunately, I didn't get into my dream school and number one choice. Surprisingly, I'm more than okay with it. I was upset, of course, but I know that once I get to Blinn, I'll realize why I'm not supposed to be at A&M quite yet. I trust in God enough to know that this Blinn is where I need to be. At least for a year. :) So, I'm very excited for this next chapter in my life.

The choir lock-in was last night and it was pretty fun! It's spring break! :) That's a good thing in itself. And I'm possibly going to look for apartments in College Station with the bff sometime this week! YAY! Basically, this week is much needed and MUCH appreciated! 

lovelovelove

-B-

Life changing.

I woke up this morning to check the A&M website. I do this every morning and at least 30 times throughout the day. It's my dream. It's all I've wanted to do since I saw my brother (and role model) attend A&M. So, I check the website to find that I have finally reached step 4! (Communicate Admissions Decision) Sounds good, right? Well I've heard that there's a link underneath that you can click and it will say if you got in or not. Mine didn't have the link. Everyone I know so far that has gotten in, had the link.

I guess we'll see in a few days.

To top it off, my mother was being a total debbie downer about it trying to prepare me for if I don't get in. I understand where she's coming from, and she doesn't want me to be disappointed... But I'm a big girl and I feel like this experience is definitely a once in a lifetime thing. I am going to be grateful no matter what. I know that I will still end up in a good place and get a good education. I have prayed about this for so long now and I've never wanted anything more in my life. It's thrilling but also frightening to know that my life is about to change. I am ready.

All I have to do is keep telling myself that God has a bigger plan than I have for myself.

lovelovelove

-B-

I went to church tonight.

It's not a very surprising thing since I am a "church-goer", if you will. I went to youth at the church that I've attended for five years now. I go every Sunday but for some reason, I've stopped going to youth there. It just isn't the same. But I went tonight. I couldn't tell you why, I just decided to. It's the most indescribable feeling to walk into a building that used to be your second home, and suddenly feel the opposite affect. That place used to be my life. I wouldn't have been a Christian if it weren't for the boy that changed my life and took me there (also the most wonderful boyfriend I've ever had) and that church in Keller. I've left marks in that church. I am forever a part of it. I'll explain one now. Please be prepared for juicy and grotesque details. :)

There was once a lock-in at church when I was in 8th grade and it was my first time to have an energy drink. While the older boys were out buying them, I decided to have coffee as well. (I'm NOT a coffee drinker. Never have been, never will be.) I had a huge cup of coffee with more sugars than I could count on two hands. I then proceeded to chug the energy drink BAWLS. Not a smart idea if I do say so myself. This then led to an "up-chuck" of the wonderful dinner I had at the 8th grade banquet. Mmm Mexican. I didn't exactly make it to the toilet.. close, but no cigar. So there is permanently some dried throw up on the wall in the upstairs girls bathroom of that church. Talk about leaving your mark!

I love it. Although it was weird going in tonight and realizing that all but two of the people have changed, deep down, I can still call it my second home. I miss it. And I actually had a lot of fun tonight meeting new peoplpe and enjoying those surroundings again. It was a good experience. I'm probably make more out of it than I should, but I guess that's just who I am.

I guess I can start complaining now. Isn't that what these are for? To vent? Well.. Here you go:

I consider myself one of the most impatient people I know. Others know it too. I've decided that waiting to hear back from a college might be the toughest experience an impatient person, like myself can go through. I don't think A&M realizes that about me. I am so anxious. I've never wanted anything so much in my life. I feel like everyone else is finding this out except for me. I'm ready. Just let me know.

Okay. That's my rant. :( 

So please A&M, do me a favor and be quicker! :) Thank You.

lovelovelove

-B-

Birthday?

I always get so excited for them, but then when the actual day comes around.. it is surreal. I don't know why birthdays never feel like normal days... It's not even that they are better than regular days, it feels like I'm living my life in a different place. Basically, I don't know what I'm talking about.. but I guess in about 52 minutes I'll feel that way. Woot.

I like them... I just always hype it up so much and expect so much and analyze everything that when it never goes the way I expect, I am disappointed. Story of my life. But we'll see. I'm pretty excited about 18.

Yayay.

lovelovelove

-B-